Even though I use Facebook and this blog as an outlet, I do not post some of the deepest darkest feelings I have. It's eating me up inside to not voice them. I thought if I could just write them down, I'd feel better. But I didn't want my innermost thoughts and feelings to be on some old legal pad.... and that's when my mind started brainstorming...
I went to Papyrus in the mall today. I looked over each and every journal they had. And I finally picked a very pretty glittery one with a beautifully colored hummingbird on it. I bought the journal ($20 for a friggen journal, are you kidding me?!) and some scented pens. (I have a MAJOR pen fetish!! I collect any and all pens. I've been known to take them from doctors offices and even from my family and friends.) These pens were scented on the outside. One was strawberry and the other bubblegum. They smell exactly like Bubbalicious Bubble Gum and make me crave a piece! :)
I walked to a seating area and I took out the strawberry pen and the journal. I stared at the beautiful cover and turned the pages. After a minute or so, I wrote in the front cover, "For my son Lorenzo. May you read this and find insight into your crazy, fun loving, emotional mother! I Love You With All My Heart! <3 Mama."
It took me a while to write down what I was thinking and feeling at that moment in time. I was extremely hurt and angry. Still am. It took everything in me not to let tears come to my eyes in public. I wrote about the stressful events that took place the past 2 days, vindictive words spoken, hurtful actions. I wrote how it all effected me with my PPD. I reassured my son that he did not cause me this PPD and that it is not a result of having him. I proudly proclaimed my love for my son and that he is the very best thing to have happened in my life!
I imagined in my mind, Lorenzo in his mid-twenties (like myself) reading this and finally understanding his crazy mother. I wrote that perhaps we can look at this 20 years from now and say look at what we've overcome. Perhaps we'll look at some entries and say look at that, knowing whatever it was got the best of us. I just want to be able to have something to look back at.
I'm keeping this secret from my husband. I don't want him to read it. It's personal. Something for my son and myself. He'd probably be mad at what I'm writing, never wanting to disclose all that info to our son. But I think he should know. I want him to know. It will help him understand us and our dynamic and relationship. He should know. He needs to know.
Beautiful. What an awesome gift for your son; to know that he is always on your mind and that you are keeping a special diary of your lives, so he'll always know, without a doubt, that you love him.
ReplyDeleteThat's really sweet Cristine! Can you imagine what a great wedding present that would make for him. You could even add random pics. and scraps of memories.So cool!
ReplyDeleteLadies, thank you so much! It's easier for me to write things down than to voice them sometimes, especially if it makes me all choked up. I want to remember everything and know that I won't. I will remember these times when I was angry, sad, depressed but not the reason why. I want to write that down so I can remember. I will remember my son's tears, laughs, giggles but not the reason why. I want to remember that. So I am writing it down. I plan to include some pics, as well. In 20+ years, who know what electronic info will still be available. Maybe he won't be able to see my FB page or my blog. But he'll have my had written words. And that means more to me for him to see my flowing cursive script as I describe my day with him or my messy scribbled words scrawled onto the paper through my tears. I want him to see this. :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful gift to present to your son. He is very fortunate to have a mother who has insight to her own emotions.
ReplyDeleteCristine, I started writing in a diary/ journal for Juliana a month after she was born. I'm going to have to buy another journal/diary because this one is almost filled up. Everyone that knows about the diary thinks it's such an awesome idea. I think it is. I write down the things we've done for the day. New things she's done etc... So when she grows up she can read for herself and know how much I truly love and adore her. I also have a scrapbook for her. She will have plenty of pictures and journals to read from. So when I'm gone one day she'll at least have my words written down for her :-)
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