For Lorenzo

Even though I use Facebook and this blog as an outlet, I do not post some of the deepest darkest feelings I have. It's eating me up inside to not voice them. I thought if I could just write them down, I'd feel better. But I didn't want my innermost thoughts and feelings to be on some old legal pad.... and that's when my mind started brainstorming...

I went to Papyrus in the mall today. I looked over each and every journal they had. And I finally picked a very pretty glittery one with a beautifully colored hummingbird on it. I bought the journal ($20 for a friggen journal, are you kidding me?!) and some scented pens. (I have a MAJOR pen fetish!! I collect any and all pens. I've been known to take them from doctors offices and even from my family and friends.) These pens were scented on the outside. One was strawberry and the other bubblegum. They smell exactly like Bubbalicious Bubble Gum and make me crave a piece! :)

I walked to a seating area and I took out the strawberry pen and the journal. I stared at the beautiful cover and turned the pages. After a minute or so, I wrote in the front cover, "For my son Lorenzo. May you read this and find insight into your crazy, fun loving, emotional mother! I Love You With All My Heart! <3 Mama."

It took me a while to write down what I was thinking and feeling at that moment in time. I was extremely hurt and angry. Still am. It took everything in me not to let tears come to my eyes in public. I wrote about the stressful events that took place the past 2 days, vindictive words spoken, hurtful actions. I wrote how it all effected me with my PPD. I reassured my son that he did not cause me this PPD and that it is not a result of having him. I proudly proclaimed my love for my son and that he is the very best thing to have happened in my life!

I imagined in my mind, Lorenzo in his mid-twenties (like myself) reading this and finally understanding his crazy mother. I wrote that perhaps we can look at this 20 years from now and say look at what we've overcome. Perhaps we'll look at some entries and say look at that, knowing whatever it was got the best of us. I just want to be able to have something to look back at.

I'm keeping this secret from my husband. I don't want him to read it. It's personal. Something for my son and myself. He'd probably be mad at what I'm writing, never wanting to disclose all that info to our son. But I think he should know. I want him to know. It will help him understand us and our dynamic and relationship. He should know. He needs to know.