Oh the days of Singlemotherhood

My husband had to go to a mandatory work training conference thing. It happens once a year, every year. With all the busy-ness and craziness that is my schedule, I forgot that it was coming up. He says to me, "Don't forget, I'm leaving for Springfield on Tuesday, you'll have Lorenzo ALL DAY and you need to bring him to daycare on Wednesday. I should be back in time Wednesday night to pick him up." Oh I forgot alright and let's just say, things did not go well.

Monday I worked a long day as usual and got home late. The plan was for Lorenzo to be asleep by the time I got home so we could eat dinner together (which never happens, even when it's super late) and cuddle up with a movie (something else that never happens). When I got home, it was nearly 9pm and my little man (almost 15 months old) is wide awake and raring to go! I look at my husband, "So much for being asleep by the time I got home!" That little snot refused to go to sleep until after 11pm!! My husband is practically freaking out because he had to be up at 4am! By the time Lorenzo went to bed, it was too late to do anything and we were both tired. I was pretty disappointed because things had been so crazy busy for me that even though we live in the same house, we operate in different time zones and schedules. My husband even came to my work that day to install Wi-Fi for us and decided to treat me to lunch. It was a flop because the Subway we went to was IN A GAS STATION without seating and we were the 17th and 18th people in line! We waited 20 minutes just to get our subs and then the dude at checkout didn't know how to ring up a BOGO coupon. COME ON! So, we parted ways with him having to scarf his lunch on the way to work, rushing into a meeting, and me taking mine back to work with only 10 minutes to spare before my next patient. 


Tuesday, Lorenzo seemed to be happy. He woke up and played in his crib for a little while before getting fussy. He got his bottle, played a little while, ate some breakfast, played some more, ate some lunch, and then OH MY GOD it was nap time. My child usually does pretty well with the whole sleeping and nap thing. Not that day! He was possessed by some brat who refused sleep! I tried all the conventional methods of rocking, cradling, bouncing, laying, nothing worked. Finally, I had to dump him in his crib and walk away. Hearing him screaming, I made the executive decision to call and reschedule an appointment I had at 4pm. I knew Lorenzo would either be super cranky or he'd be into everything and I wouldn't be able to concentrate at all. He cried for nearly 20 minutes before falling asleep.

Tuesday night hits and my dear Lorenzo is again refusing sleep! He's the type of baby who is in bed between 6:30-7:30pm and anything after that is way too late. It's now 8pm and he's still up! I catch him rubbing his eyes a few times so I knew he was sleepy but he wouldn't go down! Every time I put him near the crib, he'd freak out. Knowing I had to be up by 5:30am, I again dumped him in the crib and walked away. He screamed at the top of his lungs for 45 minutes before collapsing in exhaustion! I was so worried that he'd be hoarse the next day! I don't sleep very well without Anthony so I ended up staying up until 1am and then tossed and turned all night! I heard Lorenzo getting up every few hours because he'd take a rattle and run it across the crib rails like a jailer.    -.-

Wednesday, don't ask me what I was thinking every time my alarm went off at 5am, 5:15, 5:30, 5:45, 6am, and 6:15! I kept thinking, I have time, I have time. Oh no I didn't!! Lorenzo woke up at 5:50am and fussed around. I jumped outta bed, running into the shower at 6:15 but then got in there and took the time to shave my pits and legs?? What was I thinking! This wasn't a leisure shower! Wash the privates and get out!! 
I run out the bathroom in a towel and grab a bottle out of the fridge. I give it to him, he shuts up, so I run to get dressed and do my hair. After throwing on a summer dress and tossing my hair up, I realize, I don't have time to walk the dog since the baby is up. I put Armani out on the porch, he decides to be prissy and not go, while I look at the clock 6:43am!! OH MY GOD I have to go! I should have left at 6:40 to be at daycare by 6:50 so I can drop him off, say hi to the director, and merrily be on my way, with plenty of time to stop and get my mocha frappe. That didn't happen. Crap! I don't have any lunch! After scrounging around the fridge, I grab some left over buffalo chicken wings, some carrots, hummus, and a little bit of raspberry danish. Sucky lunch in comparison to the feasts I normally bring. I work 12 hour days for the most part so I bring A LOT of food. This was sucky, indeed.


Of all things the daycare needed, jars of stage 3 fruit weighed down the daycare bag. I had that, my work bag, my big reusable insulated lunch bag, some bags to return to the store, and Lorenzo. I had to set it all down to put Armani in his crate, pick them all back up, and then awkwardly toddle to the car. Lorenzo clearly wanted to get down to walk and explore but I didn't have time for that so I carried his 20lb toosh. I'm positive I pulled a muscle. As I leave the garage area, I slam on the breaks and hit reverse. I forgot his bottles and sippy cup in the fridge so I had to jog through my condo community, back into the house, and back. My attempt to speed to the daycare, didn't work because there were cars everywhere, and slow ones at that! I finally get there and pull up behind the mother of twins. She brings one in and then comes out to get the other and any paraphernalia. Normally, I would have offered to help. Not today. I grab the bag and get Lorenzo. I should just scoop him up and run him in but he should practice walking and the people at daycare don't normally see me drop him off (Anthony has more time than I do in the mornings so he drops him off and picks him up because I work late) so they're gonna want to talk and shoot the breeze. I don't want to look rude but I am on a time crunch. A glance at the clock tells me I have 2.5 minutes to shoot the breeze. So, I set Lorenzo on the ground, offer my pointer finger which he dutifully grabs, and off we go. He looks down and looks back up at me like, "OH MY GOD Mama! It's grass! And dirt! And wood chips!!" He wants to touch them all and I'm saying NO! and dragging him along. (Yes, I looked like THAT type of parent.) So, he's stretching out one leg to try to touch the wood chips and I drag him, "Come On! Lorenzo, NO!" I breeze him into the daycare while the director is speaking with Mom of Twins. Mom of Twins exclaims, "**GASP!** You're walking?!" I laughed something unintelligible and look at the director. She says, "Come on Boyfriend, Mom's gotta get to work! How are you Cristine?" and then she gives me a smirky look. I tell her I'm frazzled, I'm probably gonna be late or gonna have to sacrifice my frappe and today's the day I need it! 


Turns out, she was giving me a smirky look because my summer dress was unbuttoned way down passed my chest!! My boobs and bra were totally hanging out for the world to see!! Red faced, I told them about jogging through my condo community when I forgot the bottles. (Full of old people who know me because of the baby, no less! "The young girl with the baby, you know, in #47, went jogging passed the window this morning! Her whole bosom and brassiere were flailing in the wind, for the whole world to see! Didn't she realize she was giving us a peep show?!")  Everyone got a good laugh, I'm sure. I made it to work on time, albeit without my mocha frappe. I could have used it too, seeing how I was grumpy the whole morning. My grumpiness (and probably my lack of sleep) caused a raging headache by lunch time. 


Needless to say, it was a LONG day but at least I managed to keep my bosoms and brassiere from showing the rest of the time. 

Things that DO and DON'T make my world go round

Things that make my world go round:

~Having an underwear drawer containing more than a month and a half's worth of clean underwear!! Yess to only doing my laundry once a month! 


~Listening to Elvis Duran and the Morning Show's Phone Tap on the way to work in the morning.

~Starting my work days out with a medium mocha frappe with chocolate, no whip cream.

~Having the guys at McDonalds greet me by name and hand me my frappe made exactly to my liking before I even get to say, "Morning!"

~One of my patients at work (who is a businessman and runs his own organic farm on the side) comes in with a carton full of organic eggs for me saying, "Cristine, I had picked these, hand washed them, and hand package these myself, just for you." :) I told him that was the sweetest thing anyones ever done for me. I smiled for the rest of the day. :)


~Buying something on sale WITH A COUPON and only paying a few cents afterwards!! Oh yeah baby!!

~When friends and even the patients at work take notice of the baby belly roll going down (ever so slightly), when I wear a new outfit, or take extra care with my hair. :)

~Someone unexpectedly comes up to me to tell me they noticed how hard I've been working on something or what a good job I did on something.

~Walking into a clean kitchen knowing I can cook and bake until my hearts desire!

~Compliments on my cooking and baking.

~A stranger offering to help me with the groceries with or without Lorenzo.

~The silky smooth feeling of just shaved legs on clean sheets.

~The clean smell of laundry detergent and softener on clean clothes.

~Being treated to eating out.

~Incredibly nice waiters/waitresses who refill your drinks without having to be asked and are friendly. I've been known to tip said waiters/waitresses very very well.

~Finding awesome things for the baby or my kitchen from my local Freecycle groups.

~Helping an elderly person carry groceries, park their car, walk up stairs, or running their errand for them. Too many times people are impatient with older people. That person is from a generation far greater than our own, was taught values and integrity lacking in todays youth, and has lived through some of the hardest times our country has ever faced. Have a little respect and show them not all is lost in today's young people! 


~Saying "Ma'am" and "Sir" when I speak with people older than myself.

~Having EXACT CHANGE when cash for something. I never carry cash. So when I do and have exact change, it's a big deal. ;)


~Finding a great item at a consignment shop for just dollars what the retail stores are selling it for!!

~Seeing my friends blogs and Facebook status about me, whether by name or not. It bring a smile to my face and makes my heart feel warm and fuzzy. :)


~Writing little note cards to my friends and family and sending them in the mail. Snail mail?! Is that when your email just goes really slow? LOL


~Catching someone else doing something gross in public like picking their nose or farting. Hahahahaha


~Catching the person in the car next to me singing their heart out to the radio and then they look over and get that shocked, embarrassed look, then start singing to me. LOL


Things that DON'T make my world go round:


~Running into the bathroom to take a poop, throwing yourself onto the pot, going to wipe, and realizing the person before you didn't change the roll of toilet paper!! Now you have to go a jiggle, drip dry, and somehow shuffle with your pants around your ankles, to the cupboard to grab another roll, all without getting any drips on you or the floor.


~Finding some girl's nasty fake nail stuck to the bottom of your shoe.

~Having to clean the kitchen before I can cook and bake. Cleaning before I make a mess doesn't make sense to me.


~Speaking to rude customer service representatives on the phone.

~Having a sucky lunch at work.

~The dog pooping or peeing in the house ON PURPOSE.


~Seeing people talking on their cell phones and/or texting while they drive.

~People throwing out perfectly good, reusable items. Don't they know that's wasteful! It's going into a landfill and someone could use that! Hello, FREECYCLE! 


~Realizing I forgot my coupons when I make an impromptu trip to the store.

~After finally admitting you need to use a public restroom, checking all stalls to find some form of pee, poop, or unflushed toilets. Come On!! I've gotta go and now I have to stand here doing the potty dance while I clean up a toilet and wrap 8 layers on toilet paper on the lid. God knows I'm not putting MY butt on that NASTY thing! 

Perspective

When I'm at work, I'm ok. I feel more like myself than ever. My thoughts and emotions are clear. I'm not in a fog. I'm just ME. Most days, I feel really good at work. I don't feel like I'm wearing my thoughts and emotions on my face and "sleeve" so to speak. 

But when I am at home is when I'm at my worst. Sometimes the depression is so deep and dark. It follows me around like a cloud. Nothing can shake it. Not a shower. Not cleaning or baking. Not even my little baby's 14 month old antics. I noticed that when I have my friends over, I throw myself into the cleaning and cooking/baking. I tend to make extravagant meals and desserts for them so that I have something to concentrate on. When I don't have anything to concentrate on, the emptiness inside me grows stronger. The deep, dark, emptiness surrounds me. Sometimes it's different but the emotions that go with it are anger escalating to rage or numbness, joyless, purposeless. I end up walking around feeling like an empty shell of a person. It's not a pretty site to be around me when I feel like that. It's very hard for me to see passed myself and my feelings (or lack thereof) when I feel like that. 

It takes extreme effort for me to push passed that depression but I'm trying. 

Here is where I find my perspective.

Cherisse DesJardins Lipps. 

I know her from years of church camps and various other functions. Growing up, she was always considered the popular girl. I don't know if she knows that or thinks so but it's true. Everyone always loved her, myself included. I think it's because Cherisse never cared what's cool or in style or the "IT" thing to do or say; she always did what she liked regardless of what everyone else thought. That always made her stand out from the crowd of culture driven, peer pressured, pre-pubescent teens. She's even beautiful and has a beautiful voice! I personally loved it when she would sing specials with her brothers. When the DesJardins would get up there, your ears were in for a treat! 

Fast forward to adulthood and Cherisse got married to a man perfect for her in every way! She's graduated from college and teaching in a classroom. And then she gets diagnosed with a brain tumor. I, like everyone else, was shocked!! But she's so young! She's so beautiful! She's so popular and loved! Ladies and gentlemen, sickness and diseases are no respecter of persons. Sickness and diseases do not discriminate. Poor Cherisse has had over 2 brain tumor surgeries, more than a year trying to recover, daily seizures and medications  chemotherapy, radiation, she's been taken out of work, can't drive her own car, shaved her head, and has had to adjust to the changes in her everyday life that this has brought upon her. She has to learn a new "normal." And I'm positive that most days, it must suck.

If Cherisse can find the courage and strength to muster up a smile after all her treatments and being sick for so long, then I most certainly can snap out of my depression bubble and somehow grow some gonads and make it through my day.

Alice Pyne. 

I don't know her personally but have started reading her blog. She is a 15 year old girl diagnosed with terminally ill cancer. She says she wanted to create a bucket list and blog about it since she isn't winning her fight. 

How horrible to realize at 15 that your life will be cut shorter than you'd like. At 15, I was flirting with boys and worrying about my homework and test scores. I can't even imagine what her family and she must be going through right now. 

SNAP. OUT. OF. IT. CRISTINE.

I may be having a tough time but I'm physically fit and healthy. My family is physically fit and healthy. My husband and I both have good paying jobs in this terrible economy. While we have debt up the wahoo (thanks to his student loans and paying for our wedding all by ourselves), we are living in a beautiful gated condo community, have 2 cars that are in good and great condition, a home where we have what we need (ok so the bridal registry didn't completely render what we need to fully furnish our home but we make do), our 14 month old son is happy, healthy, and starting to walk and eat solid table foods, our Silky Terrier is annoying but lovable. All in all, I have no room to complain when clearly, others around me are going through a much harder time. 

It's quite selfish if you think about it. If you have your head so wrapped around your own problems and shoved sooo far up your you KNOW what that you can't see the struggles others around you are facing, you have missed your opportunity for healing through helping. Helping someone else during their own time of need (and momentarily putting yours on the back burner) will help to heal and strengthen you emotionally and in turn, you'll be better equipped to tackle your own difficulties! A new perspective and fresh outlook are the undoing for trials and tribulations! You'll get a great self esteem boost! You'll feel good about yourself, that in some small way you are making a difference! And maybe, just maybe, someone will come along and be your help through your struggle! 

Click HERE if you're interested in seeing the Facebook page set up for fundraising to help Cherisse with the growing medical expenses. I personally purchased the tote bags and I LOVE them! They have a zipper so my groceries don't fall out when I'm driving. :) 

Click HERE to read Alice's blog. She currently is not looking for donations but just readers to share her experience with. I believe she'd like to touch as many lives as she can, while she can.

Self Esteem Boost

I feel compelled as a mother to encourage all the other mommies out there!


You are a beautiful, intelligent woman! It is time to stop looking and feeling like a crumpled and frumpled hot mess!!


It is about time to start doing things for yourself so you look AND feel good! Others may think you look great but if you don't appreciate yourself, it won't matter what they say. If everyone else around me says that I look good but I don't FEEL that way, it doesn't matter. All those wonderful compliments are falling on deaf ears.Because my attitude towards myself was very poor, everyone else around me stopped trying to reassure and compliment me because it didn't work. 


When YOU love yourself, it shows! Everyone else will notice and love you FOR YOU even more!

For me, it's covering up the really bad acne scars, wearing flattering clothing (to hide the baby roll), doing my hair nice, smelling pretty, and shedding a couple pounds to try and flatten that baby roll. Because when I feel pretty, I can conquer the world!!

I know exactly where you're at Mama.

Do whatever it is that you need to do to appreciate yourself! Whether it's doing your hair nicely, wearing clothes that flatter the post baby body, buying a push up bra (Say "Hello" to the girls because it's been a while since you've last seen them there!), losing a few pounds, flattening that baby roll with diet and/or exercising, getting more sleep, whitening or straightening your teeth, getting a massage or mani/pedi; whatever it is: JUST GO DO IT! 


This isn't go to be easy but it'll be well worth it!

You'll have to save up some extra cash so you can go shopping for some post baby clothes. Whether you're in a transition phase after having baby or even if it's been a year or more, you'll need clothes that properly fit your new baby bearing body. You're a mom now. It doesn't mean that you can dress like a teenager. You need sophisticated and properly fitting clothes. You can still be sexy without having to flaunt those big nursing jugs of yours. There's a difference between showing a little cleavage and baring those breasts to the world! Let's try to keep them covered. Wear something that's trimming across the midsection and pants and skirts that fit your new wider hips. It's the wrong size if it cuts into you too deeply. Muffin tops are unattractive and scream to the world that you're holding onto your youth in a negative way!

Make the extra effort to get up early to shower and get ready while everyone else is still sleeping. You'll have peace and quiet. Go get a cup of coffee or mocha frappe and take the time to invest in your appearance for today. Don't just throw that wet hair up in a messy bun! Take the time to blow dry it today. Scrunch it or straighten it. Maybe twist some of it back off your face. How about a nice curly bun?

Once your hair is done, go to your closet and pick out some of those nice post baby flattering clothes we talked about. Don't forget the personal hygiene products! Glob on the lotion and get that skin smooth as a baby's bottom! Don't forget the deodorant and perfume! Now that you're dressed with your hair down, how about some accessories? A simple watch, bracelet, necklace, headband can be all you need to make your outfit feel complete. Maybe a hair accessory? Or painting your nails and toes could be all you need to complete your look. Perhaps you wear makeup. If you do, allow plenty of time in your schedule to be able to shower, dress, do your hair, and apply the makeup. You don't want to feel rushed during this time.

Now, don't you feel confidant? You look in the mirror and say, "I can do this! I am prepared! I can conquer the world!!" Looking the part is half the battle and you are already there Mama!! It took some time but it is WORTH every minute when you look in the mirror at the finished product! Looking good makes you FEEL good which raises your confidence level!!

If you happen to be reading this and you are not a mother but a spouse or significant other to a Mama (especially one who has PPD) then this is what you absolutely NEED to know: All of the compliments that you've been giving have not been taken in. The "Honey, you look good, I like your curves, You're beautiful the way you are, Our baby made you that way, you should be proud" and all the other things like that, were not being taken as the compliment that you meant them. This is not what the Mama of your child(ren) needs. Instead, trying telling her how important it is to you how she FEELS about the way she looks! Reassure her that you want her to do whatever it is that she needs to do in order to feel comfortable with her body and appearance. Tell her you love her body but love HER more! Tell her you want HER to be happy with who she is so YOU as a couple can be happy!