This Stuff Only Happens In Movies, I swear!

Monday. 

Never having been one of those people to bemoan Mondays, I now view it with dread.

This passed Monday, I got up and ready for work like usual. Having checked the weather, I was surprised to see the high for the day was supposed to be 82 degrees. Knowing it's usually a few degrees warmer than they say, I planned for 85 and decided to dig out my favorite summer dress; the $10 consignment dress.

Rushing off to my car, I realize, "It may be 85 later but it sure isn't that warm at 6am!" and then glance down to see I didn't wear my lacy white tank top under the dress. It was a little lower than I normally show but I don't have time to run back inside: ehh, I'll just pull it up a little.

I get my mocha frappe and off to work I go.

Only 2 patients into my schedule and then it happens.

FASHION FAUX PAS!

While placing some large heating pads on the table for a patient, *Doink* oh no! I realize the strap on my dress had ripped! The sweetheart neckline now flopped over on the right side and exposed half my bra! And it wasn't even a cute one, it was a maternity bra! *good grief*

Thankfully, my patient was standing behind me and didn't see. My mind is racing, "What do I do!! How do I hide this!! Quick, tuck it in your bra and pull the sweater a little closer!" I think I managed to get out of there pretty quickly without him noticing a thing.

So I call the massage therapist freaking out! She says, "Ok ok, I'll bring you a needle and thread and some safety pins." *Phew! Thank God! Wait! You're not gonna be here for another couple hours! OH NO!*

So I spend the next couple hours with my dress partially tucked into my bra and doing an awkward arm gesture thing to sort of hide it which I'm sure only made it more obvious. *Slap forehead here*

While I wait, I head to the back kitchen and eat my 3 hardboiled eggs for breakfast.

She shows up a little later bearing gifts and here I am, in the back therapy room where patients don't go, with the top of the dress around my waist, bra exposed, attempting to stitch the strap bc it was frayed. *God PLEASE just give me 10 solid minutes without any patients and no phone calls!*

I finally get the stupid thing stitched and now I'm struggling to figure out how to sew it back to the actual dress part, while it's still on my body, of course. Just then, I hear my boss exit an exam room, saying goodbye to a patient. *Oh God, what do I do?!* "Uhh, Dr. Nunno! I need some help in here!!" I'm sure I definitely sounded a bit frantic. She pokes her head around the corner and bless her heart, she didn't say a word about seeing her employee, bra exposed with a needle in one hand and dress in the other. With eyebrows raised, she says, "I'll be right there." and then turns to the patient saying, "Cristine needs a moment. She'll be right there."

So there we are. My boss is now helping me sew the strap back but the needle is too thick. She's grabbing it with her teeth and pulling it through. *Thank God I have a very good relationship with her. LOL*

"I'm just gonna do a quick stitch." "Just get me through the next hour, we are SOOO busy! Just get me through!" LOL It was makeshift but I was still thankful for it and I continued about the rest of my morning…

Until about 11:30am when I doubled over in pain! I had the most intense stomach cramps! I couldn't tell if I was going to poop or puke!

Yeah, so remember those eggs?? Turns out they were left out overnight. My husband had asked someone (who he thought was a reliable source), if they were still good. This person said, "Oh yeah, they're fine as long as they're cooked. It's raw eggs you don't want to leave out."

WRONG.

For the next 2 hours, I proceeded to have the worst, most explosive diarrhea ever. The massage therapist said I wasn't even pale, I was grey.

By 1:30-2pm, I was feeling better and continuing my day when all of a sudden, *DOINK* the strap gives out while I'm checking out a patient! Flap falls forward and exposes half my bra again. *How embarrassing*

The massage therapist helps me to jerry rig the flap part to my bra strap with a safety pin. *Ah, finally, at peace!* I was able to go about the rest of the day.

I decided to go get some organic ingredients to make myself cajun chicken pasta. Good ol' comfort food will fix this stressful day, for sure.

WRONG. 

While shopping in this ritzy organic food store, I keep noticing all the rich, snobby people there.
Doo Dee Doo Dee Doo, what the heck am I doing here, I am CLEARLY not their caliber. And there, in the checkout line full of brain surgeons, NASA scientists, and Reality TV stars… the pin pops out and stabs me right in the boob! I start to twitch almost uncontrollably and am trying to play this off cool. Soooo did not happen. Everyone stared and my insides are screaming, "JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE!!"

Driving home, I'm practically shouting internally, "JUST GET ME THE FRIGG HOME!"

Laden with bags, stomping up to my condo in the drizzle rain, the door is locked. HUGE pet peeve of mine. You see I'm not home, leave the door unlocked for me bc chances are, I'm gonna have a ton of bags. So, there I struggle to open the door and finally get it.

Right then, my husband rounds the corner, "Hey Babe. How was your day?" Two steps in the door, I drop every single bag, *DOINK* just as the left strap gives out and the whole top to my dress falls down, completely exposing the maternity bra.

I rip the dress off right then and there, with a barbaric scream that would have rivaled that of the Middle Ages, throw it away from myself and stomp into the kitchen. I proceeded to make my cajun chicken pasta standing there in a granny bra and slip and let me tell you, IT FELT GOOD!!!

Oh the days of Singlemotherhood

My husband had to go to a mandatory work training conference thing. It happens once a year, every year. With all the busy-ness and craziness that is my schedule, I forgot that it was coming up. He says to me, "Don't forget, I'm leaving for Springfield on Tuesday, you'll have Lorenzo ALL DAY and you need to bring him to daycare on Wednesday. I should be back in time Wednesday night to pick him up." Oh I forgot alright and let's just say, things did not go well.

Monday I worked a long day as usual and got home late. The plan was for Lorenzo to be asleep by the time I got home so we could eat dinner together (which never happens, even when it's super late) and cuddle up with a movie (something else that never happens). When I got home, it was nearly 9pm and my little man (almost 15 months old) is wide awake and raring to go! I look at my husband, "So much for being asleep by the time I got home!" That little snot refused to go to sleep until after 11pm!! My husband is practically freaking out because he had to be up at 4am! By the time Lorenzo went to bed, it was too late to do anything and we were both tired. I was pretty disappointed because things had been so crazy busy for me that even though we live in the same house, we operate in different time zones and schedules. My husband even came to my work that day to install Wi-Fi for us and decided to treat me to lunch. It was a flop because the Subway we went to was IN A GAS STATION without seating and we were the 17th and 18th people in line! We waited 20 minutes just to get our subs and then the dude at checkout didn't know how to ring up a BOGO coupon. COME ON! So, we parted ways with him having to scarf his lunch on the way to work, rushing into a meeting, and me taking mine back to work with only 10 minutes to spare before my next patient. 


Tuesday, Lorenzo seemed to be happy. He woke up and played in his crib for a little while before getting fussy. He got his bottle, played a little while, ate some breakfast, played some more, ate some lunch, and then OH MY GOD it was nap time. My child usually does pretty well with the whole sleeping and nap thing. Not that day! He was possessed by some brat who refused sleep! I tried all the conventional methods of rocking, cradling, bouncing, laying, nothing worked. Finally, I had to dump him in his crib and walk away. Hearing him screaming, I made the executive decision to call and reschedule an appointment I had at 4pm. I knew Lorenzo would either be super cranky or he'd be into everything and I wouldn't be able to concentrate at all. He cried for nearly 20 minutes before falling asleep.

Tuesday night hits and my dear Lorenzo is again refusing sleep! He's the type of baby who is in bed between 6:30-7:30pm and anything after that is way too late. It's now 8pm and he's still up! I catch him rubbing his eyes a few times so I knew he was sleepy but he wouldn't go down! Every time I put him near the crib, he'd freak out. Knowing I had to be up by 5:30am, I again dumped him in the crib and walked away. He screamed at the top of his lungs for 45 minutes before collapsing in exhaustion! I was so worried that he'd be hoarse the next day! I don't sleep very well without Anthony so I ended up staying up until 1am and then tossed and turned all night! I heard Lorenzo getting up every few hours because he'd take a rattle and run it across the crib rails like a jailer.    -.-

Wednesday, don't ask me what I was thinking every time my alarm went off at 5am, 5:15, 5:30, 5:45, 6am, and 6:15! I kept thinking, I have time, I have time. Oh no I didn't!! Lorenzo woke up at 5:50am and fussed around. I jumped outta bed, running into the shower at 6:15 but then got in there and took the time to shave my pits and legs?? What was I thinking! This wasn't a leisure shower! Wash the privates and get out!! 
I run out the bathroom in a towel and grab a bottle out of the fridge. I give it to him, he shuts up, so I run to get dressed and do my hair. After throwing on a summer dress and tossing my hair up, I realize, I don't have time to walk the dog since the baby is up. I put Armani out on the porch, he decides to be prissy and not go, while I look at the clock 6:43am!! OH MY GOD I have to go! I should have left at 6:40 to be at daycare by 6:50 so I can drop him off, say hi to the director, and merrily be on my way, with plenty of time to stop and get my mocha frappe. That didn't happen. Crap! I don't have any lunch! After scrounging around the fridge, I grab some left over buffalo chicken wings, some carrots, hummus, and a little bit of raspberry danish. Sucky lunch in comparison to the feasts I normally bring. I work 12 hour days for the most part so I bring A LOT of food. This was sucky, indeed.


Of all things the daycare needed, jars of stage 3 fruit weighed down the daycare bag. I had that, my work bag, my big reusable insulated lunch bag, some bags to return to the store, and Lorenzo. I had to set it all down to put Armani in his crate, pick them all back up, and then awkwardly toddle to the car. Lorenzo clearly wanted to get down to walk and explore but I didn't have time for that so I carried his 20lb toosh. I'm positive I pulled a muscle. As I leave the garage area, I slam on the breaks and hit reverse. I forgot his bottles and sippy cup in the fridge so I had to jog through my condo community, back into the house, and back. My attempt to speed to the daycare, didn't work because there were cars everywhere, and slow ones at that! I finally get there and pull up behind the mother of twins. She brings one in and then comes out to get the other and any paraphernalia. Normally, I would have offered to help. Not today. I grab the bag and get Lorenzo. I should just scoop him up and run him in but he should practice walking and the people at daycare don't normally see me drop him off (Anthony has more time than I do in the mornings so he drops him off and picks him up because I work late) so they're gonna want to talk and shoot the breeze. I don't want to look rude but I am on a time crunch. A glance at the clock tells me I have 2.5 minutes to shoot the breeze. So, I set Lorenzo on the ground, offer my pointer finger which he dutifully grabs, and off we go. He looks down and looks back up at me like, "OH MY GOD Mama! It's grass! And dirt! And wood chips!!" He wants to touch them all and I'm saying NO! and dragging him along. (Yes, I looked like THAT type of parent.) So, he's stretching out one leg to try to touch the wood chips and I drag him, "Come On! Lorenzo, NO!" I breeze him into the daycare while the director is speaking with Mom of Twins. Mom of Twins exclaims, "**GASP!** You're walking?!" I laughed something unintelligible and look at the director. She says, "Come on Boyfriend, Mom's gotta get to work! How are you Cristine?" and then she gives me a smirky look. I tell her I'm frazzled, I'm probably gonna be late or gonna have to sacrifice my frappe and today's the day I need it! 


Turns out, she was giving me a smirky look because my summer dress was unbuttoned way down passed my chest!! My boobs and bra were totally hanging out for the world to see!! Red faced, I told them about jogging through my condo community when I forgot the bottles. (Full of old people who know me because of the baby, no less! "The young girl with the baby, you know, in #47, went jogging passed the window this morning! Her whole bosom and brassiere were flailing in the wind, for the whole world to see! Didn't she realize she was giving us a peep show?!")  Everyone got a good laugh, I'm sure. I made it to work on time, albeit without my mocha frappe. I could have used it too, seeing how I was grumpy the whole morning. My grumpiness (and probably my lack of sleep) caused a raging headache by lunch time. 


Needless to say, it was a LONG day but at least I managed to keep my bosoms and brassiere from showing the rest of the time. 

Self Esteem Boost

I feel compelled as a mother to encourage all the other mommies out there!


You are a beautiful, intelligent woman! It is time to stop looking and feeling like a crumpled and frumpled hot mess!!


It is about time to start doing things for yourself so you look AND feel good! Others may think you look great but if you don't appreciate yourself, it won't matter what they say. If everyone else around me says that I look good but I don't FEEL that way, it doesn't matter. All those wonderful compliments are falling on deaf ears.Because my attitude towards myself was very poor, everyone else around me stopped trying to reassure and compliment me because it didn't work. 


When YOU love yourself, it shows! Everyone else will notice and love you FOR YOU even more!

For me, it's covering up the really bad acne scars, wearing flattering clothing (to hide the baby roll), doing my hair nice, smelling pretty, and shedding a couple pounds to try and flatten that baby roll. Because when I feel pretty, I can conquer the world!!

I know exactly where you're at Mama.

Do whatever it is that you need to do to appreciate yourself! Whether it's doing your hair nicely, wearing clothes that flatter the post baby body, buying a push up bra (Say "Hello" to the girls because it's been a while since you've last seen them there!), losing a few pounds, flattening that baby roll with diet and/or exercising, getting more sleep, whitening or straightening your teeth, getting a massage or mani/pedi; whatever it is: JUST GO DO IT! 


This isn't go to be easy but it'll be well worth it!

You'll have to save up some extra cash so you can go shopping for some post baby clothes. Whether you're in a transition phase after having baby or even if it's been a year or more, you'll need clothes that properly fit your new baby bearing body. You're a mom now. It doesn't mean that you can dress like a teenager. You need sophisticated and properly fitting clothes. You can still be sexy without having to flaunt those big nursing jugs of yours. There's a difference between showing a little cleavage and baring those breasts to the world! Let's try to keep them covered. Wear something that's trimming across the midsection and pants and skirts that fit your new wider hips. It's the wrong size if it cuts into you too deeply. Muffin tops are unattractive and scream to the world that you're holding onto your youth in a negative way!

Make the extra effort to get up early to shower and get ready while everyone else is still sleeping. You'll have peace and quiet. Go get a cup of coffee or mocha frappe and take the time to invest in your appearance for today. Don't just throw that wet hair up in a messy bun! Take the time to blow dry it today. Scrunch it or straighten it. Maybe twist some of it back off your face. How about a nice curly bun?

Once your hair is done, go to your closet and pick out some of those nice post baby flattering clothes we talked about. Don't forget the personal hygiene products! Glob on the lotion and get that skin smooth as a baby's bottom! Don't forget the deodorant and perfume! Now that you're dressed with your hair down, how about some accessories? A simple watch, bracelet, necklace, headband can be all you need to make your outfit feel complete. Maybe a hair accessory? Or painting your nails and toes could be all you need to complete your look. Perhaps you wear makeup. If you do, allow plenty of time in your schedule to be able to shower, dress, do your hair, and apply the makeup. You don't want to feel rushed during this time.

Now, don't you feel confidant? You look in the mirror and say, "I can do this! I am prepared! I can conquer the world!!" Looking the part is half the battle and you are already there Mama!! It took some time but it is WORTH every minute when you look in the mirror at the finished product! Looking good makes you FEEL good which raises your confidence level!!

If you happen to be reading this and you are not a mother but a spouse or significant other to a Mama (especially one who has PPD) then this is what you absolutely NEED to know: All of the compliments that you've been giving have not been taken in. The "Honey, you look good, I like your curves, You're beautiful the way you are, Our baby made you that way, you should be proud" and all the other things like that, were not being taken as the compliment that you meant them. This is not what the Mama of your child(ren) needs. Instead, trying telling her how important it is to you how she FEELS about the way she looks! Reassure her that you want her to do whatever it is that she needs to do in order to feel comfortable with her body and appearance. Tell her you love her body but love HER more! Tell her you want HER to be happy with who she is so YOU as a couple can be happy!