Birthday Party from Hell

My little baby has turned a year old as of April 9th, 2011! Where the heck a year has gone! In some ways, I feel as if I've made tremendous strides and in others, I find myself lacking quite a bit. In the great spectrum of time, a year is a second. So I've got many more "seconds" to keep trying.

Below is a description of the days preceding his 1st Birthday Party. I'm sure all you mommies out there can empathize greatly with me!

1 month before the party: Better send out a guest list email invite thing since I know I won't have time to hand write cute little invitations. Result: my husband CHANGED my guest list (including people I didn't know and even people I had no desire to come!), changed the time frame, changed the format and wording, and made it a dumb video invite thing that was sent out to everyone 15 times so it looked like SPAM!

3 weeks before the party: I'd better talk to my friend about helping me make a fondant cake because I'm making everything else... I'll need the help and he'll most likely want to do a practice run... Result: we had a ton of fun making homemade fondant and playing with the fun food dye! NOTE: homemade fondant is very difficult to stir by hand and unless you have a KitchenAid Mixer, you'll break a handheld. But it is so worth the effort!

2 weeks before the party: I'd better think about the menu... Eh, I'm an excellent party planner, I can whip this thing up in a couple days- I really don't have time to sit down and plan a menu and take inventory of the kitchen right now.

1 week before the party: I still have no idea how many people to expect since most didn't RSVP like they should have. NOTE: if you are invited to something, make sure you RSVP even if you aren't sure you're coming or not otherwise you'll look like THAT person to the host/ess. You know, that person you have to HOUND to get a response... the person you wish you just didn't invite because getting an answer was like pulling teeth and they said they'd come and didn't show!!

2 days before the party: it is Thursday night and I receive some unsettling news regarding the guest list and proceed to scream at my husband over who he freaking invited and whether or not I even WANTED that person or people invited!! It was supposed to be about 15-20 max with our core group of friends and possibly some additional co-workers of his. I intended to have a smaller get together with our church friends the next day after service because we live in a friggin condo and don't have room for the 40, yes I said, 40 FREAKING people he invited!! And not everyone was on the guest list to come at the same time. But what does he care: he wasn't the one cleaning for it, cooking for it, hosting it, bagging up left overs, and cleaning up the mess! *Insert rolling eyes face here* I went to bed completely upset, stressed out, anxious, and didn't even sleep!

1 day before the party: It is early Friday morning and I blatantly tell my boss that it is a high anxiety day for me today because of the people I did not anticipate. She felt bad for me and tried reassuring me. I work about 12 hours a day for 3 days a week at a chiropractor's office. It was a LONG day and I swear you'd think I had the jitters the whole day if you saw me. It was awful and I probably gave myself an ulcer!

Friday night, I get out late and decided to go to the grocery store to buy all the ingredients I needed. It is 9pm and I decided Big Y has the best pizza so I'll have dinner before shopping. After enjoying a delicious slice of sausage pizza, I order the pizza for the party tomorrow and start my trek through the store. I don't get very far since I have to pee like a racehorse. I knew I should've just gone before I left work but I thought I could wait til I get home. WRONG. I'm about to pee my pants, there's stuff in the cart, I can't take it in with me, so I grab my wallet, and book it to the potty. I HATE USING PUBLIC RESTROOMS! I burst into the only open stall in the two stall restroom and look at the toilet. Ok, there isn't anything yucky in it but I'm still not putting my porcelain butt on that thing! There isn't a self to stick my wallet on so I gingerly lay it on the toilet paper roll dispenser. I yank down my skirt and undies and attempt to hover over the toilet without losing my balance OR peeing on myself. Accomplished one, not so much on the other. While I didn't fall over or pee on myself, I didn't manage to make it all in the toilet. Gross, I know. So I am being a cleanly patron by wiping up the toilet seat for the next person.As I go to get more, I must have pulled too enthusiastically because in slow motion, I see my wallet... my gorgeous Vera Bradley black, white, and green Baroque wallet slide off the toilet and dunk into the nasty piss filled toilet!!! In slow motion, I yell, "Noooooooooooooooo!!!" and lunge forward but the wallet is out of my grasp! And you hear, "Plooooooooooooooooop!" as something big and heavy fell very quickly into the pot. The old woman next to me must've thought I was giving birth to a bowling ball or something. I have no idea what to do!! My beautiful wallet is sitting in the nasty piss hole, the crapper, the john, the deuce catcher. Every vile and disgusting nickname for the toilet is running through my mind. I call my husband and he doesn't answer. So I call my friend Jason, he's the one helping me with the cake.

Me: "Jason, I called Anthony but he didn't answer and I don't know what to do. I'm ok, it's not an emergency or anything but it kinda is to me.You can laugh at me tomorrow but don't laugh at me today, ok? I don't know what to do."

I bawl my eyes out to him IN THE PUBLIC RESTROOM with the grandma in the stall next to me listening to every juicy detail and my beautiful defiled wallet still floating in the toilet amidst urine and toilet paper.

Jason is a go to person when you freak out and can't think clearly. He has made a point to think before he speaks and is very sensitive to a woman's ever present roller coaster of emotions. He calmly instructs me to get the wallet out of the toilet and get the toilet paper off it and to rinse it thoroughly. After following all his instructions, I'm still crying to him about the woes of the freaking guest list and he promised to come over early to help me and to be my buffer for the day. Thank God! Note: no ladies, he's not gay, he's straight as an arrow, good looking, well dressed, funny, financially stable, one of the smartest men I know, sensitive, and SINGLE! Too good to be true right? Well, those myths about men like that have to be based off someone, right??

While all this is happening, Grandma comes out and is washing her hands in the sink next to mine, all the while blatantly staring at me with her mouth slightly agape. IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HELP ME, THEN GET OUT!!!! That's what I was thinking. Of course, I'm still crying on the phone to Jason so I don't say any of this. Grandma leaves and in walks this young, hot, Miss Thang with her pretty strawberry blonde hair (which I'm SURE was fake!) and heels clicking. Jason asked me if I remembered to flush the toilet. I couldn't honestly remember. Maybe??? Horror struck me. Miss Thang just walked into the stall I used.... I wait... HA! I must have flushed but there must have been pee and toilet paper splatter everywhere still! TAKE THAT, Miss Thang! I really had no reason to wish an ill willed potty experience towards her but she's everything I'm not, at the moment: poised, well dressed, well put together, and well, let's face it: a young, hot thing. I got her good though... ;) *insert evil laugh here*

I dutifully put my sopping wet Vera Bradley wallet in a produce bag and finish checking out. Anthony calls me back as I'm mid-store. I tell him the whole sordid story and cry some more. Lucky for him, he doesn't respond right away. It's almost as if I can HEAR his brain thinking, "This is funny but do I laugh?? Probably not. She's crying right now and will kill me if I laugh at her drama... Ok, I'll play the comforting husband role instead and laugh at her tomorrow when she's not likely to hit me with something heavy that she purchased."
Intense stress reliever took over as the tears flowed. IN THE MIDDLE OF BIG Y... Great. I'm one of THOSE women. The ones that talk on the phone about their personal life in public and people around her can hear everything. And I'm an emotional one at that. Great. So I finish by saying I'd tell him when I'm home because Miss Thang walked passed my aisle. WHAT?! ARE YOU STALKING ME?!

I went to the bathroom so I could focus on what I was buying and stick to the budget... and I STILL went over budget. Screw this, hellooooo credit card! I was NOT about to go put anything back! Miss Thang ended up in my lane behind me a couple people, I mean, it IS after 10pm on a Friday night and they only have one lane open. Great, she probably thinks she can't get away from this nut job who bawls her eyes out in the public restroom! Of course, the cashier and rest of the people in line are looking at me weird because I have to dig a sopping wet wallet out of a produce bag and then have to PEEL the wet indistinguishable receipts off the credit card... Mortified.

And this was all preparing for the stupid party. This isn't even the story of how stressful it was preparing the day of and how I called Jason asking him to come even earlier. Oh boy.... thank God for good friends who put up with all your crap, LITERALLY! Pun fully intended.