It's been MONTHS since I've posted a blog. Isn't blogging supposed to be a daily, weekly, somewhat regular thing?? The answer is yes, it is. I'm not exactly sure what the timeline is supposed to be, I suppose it's different for each blogger.
I haven't blogged in quite some time because I had nothing to say that I wanted in print on the internet. Life was so difficult for me and the PPD wasn't getting any better. I had nothing but gripes, complaints, and misery. Nobody wants to read about rants on troubled marriages, family drama, the difficulties of being a working mom and still attempt to be a wife and my own person. Thus, I resisted the urge to blog. My Facebook statuses have not been so fortunate, at times. LOL
Nothing has changed. In fact, in certain aspects, things have either stayed the same or gotten worse.
While I have come to realize that PPD is not to be used as an excuse for a sucky attitude or procrastinating cleaning the house, I have noticed that even though my baby is going to be a year old next week, I still don't feel normal or the same. For example, whenever the baby gets very sick or has a health issue arise, I seem incapable of doing anything for the rest of the day. Not a single freaking thing. It's like I'm paralyzed emotionally which manifests itself in the physical form of me just vegging out on the couch. It's almost like I feel like it's my fault my kid got sick. Then I berate myself for everything from not feeding him healthy enough food (as if that's possible with all the organic food we eat!) to maybe his coat isn't warm enough (but how is that possible when he sweats soo much?!). Let me expound on the emotional paralysis. It's like I don't care. Something that would normally cause a reaction in you, didn't register with me. Kinda like shock, only lasting a little bit longer. A bizarre sense of an out of body experience, like I'm watching what's happening without realizing it's happening to me. It doesn't happen too often, thankfully, but when it does, it's awful.
I don't have any new insights into PPD. I am just as screwed up as I was. Perhaps this is the new norm and I just need to face the facts. All I know is that I can wallow in my pity or I can trudge on as much I don't want to or feel like it.
My days off, I'm calling my husband by noon begging him to come home. I think the fact that my son acts much more rambunctiously with me than with his father attributes to that. My weekends, I don't feel like taking care of the baby. Some women are meant to be stay at home moms. I am SOOO not one of them. I just told my boss, verbatim, "I just want to say thank you very much for employing me! I am sooo happy to be away from my baby right now!" LOL
One thing I have noticed is that planning some ME time helps me keep my clarity. Scheduling in time without my husband and my baby feels awkward but so needed. It does a world of good for my mind to go and get massage or mani/pedi. It's so important for a mother to be pampered!
I write and confess these things at the risk of sounding like a bad mother, as if I don't love my baby or feel resentful or bitter towards him. That isn't the case at all and I'm sure those that are mothers and spouses of women suffering from PPD would understand.
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