PPD- Anger

A big realization that hit me in the face at our last counseling session was that I DO NOT have the right to call my husband names, snarl and growl at him, and downright curse him out.

Now, I need to explain this further so that everyone who reads this doesn't jump to conclusions about me...

Some women are super emotional and crying and sad when they go through their Baby Blues or Postpartum Depression. Not me! I get very angry, very quickly! The best way to describe it is like a ticking time bomb or the way that you feel when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed… now multiply that feeling times 10 and that's me on a constant basis. And the counselor guessed correctly when she said, "And you direct all this anger and frustration at your husband." Yeah, I guess I do. 

It's like I have 2 different personalties; like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. There's the me that feels normal, like I did before I had the baby. And then there's the PPD me that screams, snarls, growls, and overreacts to everything- even the small stuff!! The PPD me screams over dishes not being rinsed before they go into the dishwasher, wearing dirty shoes in my house, not using the placemats on my table, not separating the laundry, or rinsing poop stains out of the baby's clothes… stuff that would normally be annoying or that would make you mad- the PPD me gets OUTRAGED, INFURIATED!! And that's not who I am! 

During those times when I'm foaming at the mouth, I usually end up calling him horrible names, saying mean and derogatory things, and scream to be left alone. Then I go off and stress clean. I know I'm doing it and can't stop myself. Almost like my mind is saying, "What are you doing?! You're screaming over nothing! STOP! STOP!" and yet I can't. This is what PPD is. 

Now, it does not mean that every time I am angry, I'm overreacting and unfounded. It doesn't mean that when I'm normal I don't get angry. But I am speaking specifically of the PPD times when I'm so flaming pissed that I could start a fire with my gaze.

The counselor put it into perspective for me. She asked me if I'd ever speak to my friends or family that way. No, I wouldn't do that! She asked me if I would ever speak to my boss or co-workers that way. NEVER!! She looked at me with her head tilted in thought, brow furrowed, and said quizzically, "Then why do you speak to your husband that way?!" Honestly, I don't know. He's there and an outlet, I guess.

In no uncertain terms, she let me know I DO NOT have the right to speak to ANYONE that way, especially my husband. She said that people often times speak to and treat their spouses in ways that are much less respectful than if they were speaking/treating their friends, family, and co-workers. She said that it may be because we feel more comfortable with our spouse so we feel we can "let em have it" so to speak. 

The counselor said it best, "If you talk to your spouse the way you would speak to someone else, there will be alot less negativity coming out of your mouth." And I have to say, I agree! And I'm working towards speaking kindly!

My Cooking/Baking Therapy

The quickest thing I learned about becoming a mom is that NOTHING is predetermined by me!! Everything is on the baby's time; eating, sleeping, pooping, playing, EVERYTHING! I quickly realized I can't even go poo on my own time!! So I'd wait to go to the bathroom until I knew I could pee and poo in peace!! LOL If the baby suddenly and unexpectedly started screaming while I was on the john and my husband came a-knocking, I'd shout back, "Can't a woman poo in PEACE!" LOL ;)

Every PPD woman NEEDS an outlet, for her safety and sanity and those of her family and friends. It can be anything, taking a leisurely shower or walk, scheduling a spa and massage day, shopping, scrapbooking, cooking, baking, blogging, SOMETHING! Whatever it is, make sure you MAKE time to do it. Give the baby to someone else for a determined amount of time and go do what you love!! It is sooo important for the PPD woman to gain back that sense of self she loses when she has a child. That sense of self I'm speaking of is the independent decision making she loses when everything is on baby's time.

Knowing all this, I decided to do something for ME, for no one else but purely for MY enjoyment. And it's become my therapy on rough PPD days. :)

For me, it became cooking and baking. I've been married 2 years as of Sept 6th, 2010. I didn't even know how to boil pasta when we came home from the honeymoon and here I am 2 years later, competent and CONFIDANT in the kitchen! I am sooo proud to say that! :)

Almost immediately after we got married, we realized we were friendless, so to speak. We had moved from Upstate NY to CT and didn't really know anyone. So it became my goal to have people over my house for dinner every week so we could get to know people.So what started as having 1 person come over 2 years ago has now spanned into a weekly Tuesday Night Dinner with 12-14 of us! :) Cooking for The Crew (as we refer to us), has given me reason to learn how to cook and expand my cooking repertoire to fit everyone's taste palates. Keeping in mind that one person is a vegan, one doesn't eat veggies, one doesn't eat pork, one doesn't eat chicken or pork has forced me to get creative at times and I LOVE IT! I've grown to live for Tuesday Night Dinners. It gave me a reason to get in the shower and get dressed, force myself into a good attitude and not bite people's heads off! LOL

I felt most like my pre-baby self when I hosted dinner and cooked enough for an army (did I mention I cook for mostly guys that eat ALOT?!)... So, we ended up hosting dinner a few weeks in a row and I even went so far as to invite people over for dinner other nights of the week, too. It got to the point that I was hosting dinner 3 times a week for a month or two. My wallet didn't appreciate it none but my husband got so sick of the mood swings, he said if hosting made me feel normal then let's have people over every night of the week! LOL

On my most terrible days, I'd look up some (in my opinion) extravagant new recipes to try and head to the store for ingredients then kick everyone outta the kitchen, yelling, "LEAVE ME ALONE!" and whip up a masterpiece! It's become my therapy. The sense of accomplishment I feel when I create something new, from scratch, makes me feel WONDERFUL and PROUD! I get such a great boost of confidence when I taste something amazing I created! But the biggest confidence builder for me is when others try my food and want left overs! As a (at times) severly PPD woman, my self esteem gets very low and I think all the compliments I receive for my cooking and baking is (in part) why I love to do it so much! I feel so good about myself afterwards! Knowing that I can bring a bright spot to someone's day with my food gives me a sense of purpose and in turn, brings back a sense of self.

So whatever it is that you are passionate about, from one PPD woman to another, GO DO IT and do it with pride!! :)

**Mini Cherry Cheesecake Bites pictured below

What the Heck is WRONG with me?!

I've taken numerous pregnancy tests the whole (nearly) first year I was married, mostly just as a sick and twisted joke on my husband. So when I took this one (that ended up being THE ONE), I was nervous like always but overall expected it to end up negative. I mean, c'mon; what's all the nausea, tiredness, cramping, peeing every 30 minutes mean- that's normal right?! ;)


Well, long story short, August 12th, 2010 it was positive!! After 4 hours of bawling my eyes out and scheduling a blood test with the doctor (and crying all over the poor receptionist), I for sure was prego. My husband's brain crumbled before my eyes when I told him and together we felt like life as we knew it was OVER! And, of course, it was. 


After a difficult and stressful pregnancy, many family and life problems, and even purchasing our first home (condo) a week before the baby was born... Lorenzo Raphael Viggiano was born on April 9th, 2010!!


My husband and I experienced all the normal joys of being new, young parents. Our families came to visit a few times and everyone we knew annoyed us to some extent with the "advice." I had no idea why the nurses and doctors kept talking about "Baby Blues" because I never experienced anything like them. For the first month, maybe month and a half, I always had someone with me to help and give me a break of some sort. The first week, my husband took a vacation from work. The second week, he worked from home. The third week, my in-laws came to visit for a week. The fourth week, we went to our hometowns in Upstate New York for a week. 


And then... it happened!!!


By the time my son, Baby Enzo as we call him, was 1.5 months old, I started noticing things about myself: no motivation, easily saddened, lack of appetite, short temper, lack of personal care, anxiety, low self esteem, self-consciousness, trouble sleeping, mood swings, and imagining horrific accidents happening to my family or the baby. I had no idea what all this was adding up to! No one, not a single doctor, nurse, or person I knew had mentioned anything to me about this. I heard alot about Baby Blues but knew I didn't experience any crying or sadness within the first 2 weeks. 


I suffered with all these emotions and feelings (or lack thereof) for about another month. By the time I went to see the doctor, Baby Enzo was about 2.5 months old. I saw the doctor maybe 4 or 5 more times and she basically told me that what I was feeling was soon developing into severe Postpartum Depression and other than prescribing medicine, she couldn't help me.  She said I needed to see a psychiatrist. Way to make me feel like a nutter!


PPD is defined as: A form of severe depression after delivery that requires treatment. It is sometimes said that postpartum depression (PPD) occurs within 4 weeks of delivery but it can happen a few days or even months after childbirth. A woman with PPD may have feelings similar to the baby blues -- sadness, despair, anxiety, irritability -- but she feels them much more strongly than she would with the baby blues. PPD often keeps her from doing the things she needs to do every day. When a woman's ability to function is affected, this is a sure sign that she needs treatment. If a woman does not get treatment for PPD, it can get worse and last for as long as a year. While PPD is a serious condition, it can be effectively treated with antidepressant medications and counseling.


**link posted**


Reluctantly, I tried an antidepressant for about a week and a half. I decided this wasn't for me because I never take medicine and "felt funny" on it. For some people, antidepressants are just what they need to feel NORMAL, like themselves again. For me, this wasn't the case. Each person is different and there is no right or wrong way. What works for some may not work for others. Instead, I've been doing what I can to try and better my physical health by eating healthy, walking, getting chiropractic adjustments, and taking vitamins and supplements to balance the hormonal changes inside of me. To better my mental health and for the purpose of accountability, my husband and I are seeing a licensed marriage and family counselor that my OBGYN suggested. In fact, I will be seeking the medical/professional help that I, as an individual need, by getting counseling on an individual basis.


The most important thought I'd like to leave you with today is that Postpartum Depression isn't a disease and it is most certainly curable! If you are a woman dealing with PPD and feel too ashamed to admit it to anyone, go to your doctor. It is of the utmost importance that the issues related to PPD be addressed and dealt with, not only for your mental health and safety but that of your family and baby, as well. You are not alone! 15-25% of women suffer from the same things you do! Talk to someone, it will help! If you are a loved one of someone suffering from PPD, the most important thing you can do is learn all you can about PPD so you can try to understand and be patient. Your loved one isn't some nut job that belongs in a looney bin, she's just an extremely hormonal woman that doesn't know what is wrong or how to cope, at the moment. Above all else, if you or a loved one feels like hurting yourself, the baby, or other people, CALL 911 IMMEDIATELY! 


http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=26211