Even though I use Facebook and this blog as an outlet, I do not post some of the deepest darkest feelings I have. It's eating me up inside to not voice them. I thought if I could just write them down, I'd feel better. But I didn't want my innermost thoughts and feelings to be on some old legal pad.... and that's when my mind started brainstorming...
I went to Papyrus in the mall today. I looked over each and every journal they had. And I finally picked a very pretty glittery one with a beautifully colored hummingbird on it. I bought the journal ($20 for a friggen journal, are you kidding me?!) and some scented pens. (I have a MAJOR pen fetish!! I collect any and all pens. I've been known to take them from doctors offices and even from my family and friends.) These pens were scented on the outside. One was strawberry and the other bubblegum. They smell exactly like Bubbalicious Bubble Gum and make me crave a piece! :)
I walked to a seating area and I took out the strawberry pen and the journal. I stared at the beautiful cover and turned the pages. After a minute or so, I wrote in the front cover, "For my son Lorenzo. May you read this and find insight into your crazy, fun loving, emotional mother! I Love You With All My Heart! <3 Mama."
It took me a while to write down what I was thinking and feeling at that moment in time. I was extremely hurt and angry. Still am. It took everything in me not to let tears come to my eyes in public. I wrote about the stressful events that took place the past 2 days, vindictive words spoken, hurtful actions. I wrote how it all effected me with my PPD. I reassured my son that he did not cause me this PPD and that it is not a result of having him. I proudly proclaimed my love for my son and that he is the very best thing to have happened in my life!
I imagined in my mind, Lorenzo in his mid-twenties (like myself) reading this and finally understanding his crazy mother. I wrote that perhaps we can look at this 20 years from now and say look at what we've overcome. Perhaps we'll look at some entries and say look at that, knowing whatever it was got the best of us. I just want to be able to have something to look back at.
I'm keeping this secret from my husband. I don't want him to read it. It's personal. Something for my son and myself. He'd probably be mad at what I'm writing, never wanting to disclose all that info to our son. But I think he should know. I want him to know. It will help him understand us and our dynamic and relationship. He should know. He needs to know.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Self Esteem Boost
I feel compelled as a mother to encourage all the other mommies out there!
You are a beautiful, intelligent woman! It is time to stop looking and feeling like a crumpled and frumpled hot mess!!
It is about time to start doing things for yourself so you look AND feel good! Others may think you look great but if you don't appreciate yourself, it won't matter what they say. If everyone else around me says that I look good but I don't FEEL that way, it doesn't matter. All those wonderful compliments are falling on deaf ears.Because my attitude towards myself was very poor, everyone else around me stopped trying to reassure and compliment me because it didn't work.
When YOU love yourself, it shows! Everyone else will notice and love you FOR YOU even more!
For me, it's covering up the really bad acne scars, wearing flattering clothing (to hide the baby roll), doing my hair nice, smelling pretty, and shedding a couple pounds to try and flatten that baby roll. Because when I feel pretty, I can conquer the world!!
I know exactly where you're at Mama.
Do whatever it is that you need to do to appreciate yourself! Whether it's doing your hair nicely, wearing clothes that flatter the post baby body, buying a push up bra (Say "Hello" to the girls because it's been a while since you've last seen them there!), losing a few pounds, flattening that baby roll with diet and/or exercising, getting more sleep, whitening or straightening your teeth, getting a massage or mani/pedi; whatever it is: JUST GO DO IT!
This isn't go to be easy but it'll be well worth it!
You'll have to save up some extra cash so you can go shopping for some post baby clothes. Whether you're in a transition phase after having baby or even if it's been a year or more, you'll need clothes that properly fit your new baby bearing body. You're a mom now. It doesn't mean that you can dress like a teenager. You need sophisticated and properly fitting clothes. You can still be sexy without having to flaunt those big nursing jugs of yours. There's a difference between showing a little cleavage and baring those breasts to the world! Let's try to keep them covered. Wear something that's trimming across the midsection and pants and skirts that fit your new wider hips. It's the wrong size if it cuts into you too deeply. Muffin tops are unattractive and scream to the world that you're holding onto your youth in a negative way!
Make the extra effort to get up early to shower and get ready while everyone else is still sleeping. You'll have peace and quiet. Go get a cup of coffee or mocha frappe and take the time to invest in your appearance for today. Don't just throw that wet hair up in a messy bun! Take the time to blow dry it today. Scrunch it or straighten it. Maybe twist some of it back off your face. How about a nice curly bun?
Once your hair is done, go to your closet and pick out some of those nice post baby flattering clothes we talked about. Don't forget the personal hygiene products! Glob on the lotion and get that skin smooth as a baby's bottom! Don't forget the deodorant and perfume! Now that you're dressed with your hair down, how about some accessories? A simple watch, bracelet, necklace, headband can be all you need to make your outfit feel complete. Maybe a hair accessory? Or painting your nails and toes could be all you need to complete your look. Perhaps you wear makeup. If you do, allow plenty of time in your schedule to be able to shower, dress, do your hair, and apply the makeup. You don't want to feel rushed during this time.
Now, don't you feel confidant? You look in the mirror and say, "I can do this! I am prepared! I can conquer the world!!" Looking the part is half the battle and you are already there Mama!! It took some time but it is WORTH every minute when you look in the mirror at the finished product! Looking good makes you FEEL good which raises your confidence level!!
If you happen to be reading this and you are not a mother but a spouse or significant other to a Mama (especially one who has PPD) then this is what you absolutely NEED to know: All of the compliments that you've been giving have not been taken in. The "Honey, you look good, I like your curves, You're beautiful the way you are, Our baby made you that way, you should be proud" and all the other things like that, were not being taken as the compliment that you meant them. This is not what the Mama of your child(ren) needs. Instead, trying telling her how important it is to you how she FEELS about the way she looks! Reassure her that you want her to do whatever it is that she needs to do in order to feel comfortable with her body and appearance. Tell her you love her body but love HER more! Tell her you want HER to be happy with who she is so YOU as a couple can be happy!
You are a beautiful, intelligent woman! It is time to stop looking and feeling like a crumpled and frumpled hot mess!!
It is about time to start doing things for yourself so you look AND feel good! Others may think you look great but if you don't appreciate yourself, it won't matter what they say. If everyone else around me says that I look good but I don't FEEL that way, it doesn't matter. All those wonderful compliments are falling on deaf ears.Because my attitude towards myself was very poor, everyone else around me stopped trying to reassure and compliment me because it didn't work.
When YOU love yourself, it shows! Everyone else will notice and love you FOR YOU even more!
For me, it's covering up the really bad acne scars, wearing flattering clothing (to hide the baby roll), doing my hair nice, smelling pretty, and shedding a couple pounds to try and flatten that baby roll. Because when I feel pretty, I can conquer the world!!
I know exactly where you're at Mama.
Do whatever it is that you need to do to appreciate yourself! Whether it's doing your hair nicely, wearing clothes that flatter the post baby body, buying a push up bra (Say "Hello" to the girls because it's been a while since you've last seen them there!), losing a few pounds, flattening that baby roll with diet and/or exercising, getting more sleep, whitening or straightening your teeth, getting a massage or mani/pedi; whatever it is: JUST GO DO IT!
This isn't go to be easy but it'll be well worth it!
You'll have to save up some extra cash so you can go shopping for some post baby clothes. Whether you're in a transition phase after having baby or even if it's been a year or more, you'll need clothes that properly fit your new baby bearing body. You're a mom now. It doesn't mean that you can dress like a teenager. You need sophisticated and properly fitting clothes. You can still be sexy without having to flaunt those big nursing jugs of yours. There's a difference between showing a little cleavage and baring those breasts to the world! Let's try to keep them covered. Wear something that's trimming across the midsection and pants and skirts that fit your new wider hips. It's the wrong size if it cuts into you too deeply. Muffin tops are unattractive and scream to the world that you're holding onto your youth in a negative way!
Make the extra effort to get up early to shower and get ready while everyone else is still sleeping. You'll have peace and quiet. Go get a cup of coffee or mocha frappe and take the time to invest in your appearance for today. Don't just throw that wet hair up in a messy bun! Take the time to blow dry it today. Scrunch it or straighten it. Maybe twist some of it back off your face. How about a nice curly bun?
Once your hair is done, go to your closet and pick out some of those nice post baby flattering clothes we talked about. Don't forget the personal hygiene products! Glob on the lotion and get that skin smooth as a baby's bottom! Don't forget the deodorant and perfume! Now that you're dressed with your hair down, how about some accessories? A simple watch, bracelet, necklace, headband can be all you need to make your outfit feel complete. Maybe a hair accessory? Or painting your nails and toes could be all you need to complete your look. Perhaps you wear makeup. If you do, allow plenty of time in your schedule to be able to shower, dress, do your hair, and apply the makeup. You don't want to feel rushed during this time.
Now, don't you feel confidant? You look in the mirror and say, "I can do this! I am prepared! I can conquer the world!!" Looking the part is half the battle and you are already there Mama!! It took some time but it is WORTH every minute when you look in the mirror at the finished product! Looking good makes you FEEL good which raises your confidence level!!
If you happen to be reading this and you are not a mother but a spouse or significant other to a Mama (especially one who has PPD) then this is what you absolutely NEED to know: All of the compliments that you've been giving have not been taken in. The "Honey, you look good, I like your curves, You're beautiful the way you are, Our baby made you that way, you should be proud" and all the other things like that, were not being taken as the compliment that you meant them. This is not what the Mama of your child(ren) needs. Instead, trying telling her how important it is to you how she FEELS about the way she looks! Reassure her that you want her to do whatever it is that she needs to do in order to feel comfortable with her body and appearance. Tell her you love her body but love HER more! Tell her you want HER to be happy with who she is so YOU as a couple can be happy!
Expressing Myself is MY Prerogative!
I am extremely angry right now.
It is MY prerogative and mine alone to choose if and how I want to express myself. If you don't want an insight into what I think, how I feel, my beliefs or lack thereof than don't read my Facebook status or my blog. Those two forms of social media are mine. I can say what I want without care of what others may think.
Some people choose to express themselves in other ways. Some dive into music or the arts. For some, it's a hobby. Some cook, bake, or clean. Some shave off the entire eyebrows. Now THAT is extreme. But for me, I use Facebook and my blog as my outlet. I certainly don't rant the way I sometimes want to. But I could if I so chose.
If you feel the need to have your own thoughts and opinions voiced, make your own Facebook account and blog. You can say what you there. If you find that you are afraid to own up to any of your thoughts, feelings, opinions, and rants than I would highly suggest posting anonymously HERE, HERE, HERE , or HERE .
Point blank: I DO NOT post hurtful or mean things (even though I may want to at times.) Facebook and my blog are MY outlets. If you don't like it, don't read it. If you don't have anything complimentary to say about my Facebook status, pics, or blogs: don't say it. Chances are I'll ream you out and delete your post. In extreme cases, I will delete people from my Facebook and block if necessary. Get your own space and get off mine.
It is MY prerogative and mine alone to choose if and how I want to express myself. If you don't want an insight into what I think, how I feel, my beliefs or lack thereof than don't read my Facebook status or my blog. Those two forms of social media are mine. I can say what I want without care of what others may think.
Some people choose to express themselves in other ways. Some dive into music or the arts. For some, it's a hobby. Some cook, bake, or clean. Some shave off the entire eyebrows. Now THAT is extreme. But for me, I use Facebook and my blog as my outlet. I certainly don't rant the way I sometimes want to. But I could if I so chose.
If you feel the need to have your own thoughts and opinions voiced, make your own Facebook account and blog. You can say what you there. If you find that you are afraid to own up to any of your thoughts, feelings, opinions, and rants than I would highly suggest posting anonymously HERE, HERE, HERE , or HERE .
Point blank: I DO NOT post hurtful or mean things (even though I may want to at times.) Facebook and my blog are MY outlets. If you don't like it, don't read it. If you don't have anything complimentary to say about my Facebook status, pics, or blogs: don't say it. Chances are I'll ream you out and delete your post. In extreme cases, I will delete people from my Facebook and block if necessary. Get your own space and get off mine.
Friday, May 13, 2011
To MILF or Not To MILF, that is the question.
I am at a stage or phase in my life where the things I'm struggling with (as far as PPD are concerned) are changing. Before it was constant mood swings and angry outbursts (mostly directed towards my husband). Now, I find that my PPD tends to be different. Sure, I'm still too quick to anger but it isn't nearly as bad as it was. I think I'm making some progress there. About time, too! It's been over a year! But I am struggling with self esteem issues.
If you are like me, you are likely experiencing absolutely no sexiness. ZERO. Not even a single shred of sexy.
For the past year, I haven't felt the least bit attractive. I've hated my body and the changes pregnancy brought about. I didn't "embrace" my new body, as everyone else told me to… In fact, I became more self conscious as an adult than I ever was as a teen.
As a teen, I was extremely thin and petite. Almost too thin. If I became sick, I'd lose weight from not being able to eat and having an over-active metabolism. It took me 6 months to gain back 10 pounds I lost from being sick for a week once. I was 17 then. I had VERY clear skin. Never had more than 1 pimple at a time and those were occasional. White, naturally straight teeth. Nice, long, manageable, super curly hair (thanks to a phenomenal perm!).
As an adult, I developed pregnancy induced acne in my third trimester with my son. It didn't go away until he was 6 months old and has left horrible scars. My metabolism has slowed to almost non-existent. I can't shake the last 6 pounds of baby weight which have conveniently taken up residence in my belly so I now look like I have a tire around me. My hair, oddly enough, lost it's life after I had my baby. The hormones didn't effect me during pregnancy, as with most women. For me, they wreaked havoc on my hair's length, manageability, texture, and moisture level after I had him. My skin and hair are now oily where before they tended to be more on the dry side. And let's not talk about the effect of nursing your baby. -.-
As you can see, I've been quite self conscious of my body and appearance for the last year.
NO MOREEEEE!!
For the last month or so, I've made it my mission to "Bring My Sexy Back!" ;) I have been making an effort in doing my hair and dressing nicely for work. I used to do fun hairstyles and dress up everyday to work. I'm trying to get back into the swing of things now. My thinking is that if I put extra effort into my appearance then I will feel good about myself. Revelation to me, I know, and I'm sure it's not for most of you. I realized that doing a nice hairstyle didn't mean anything if I was still in bummy clothes. So, 2/3 of my work week, I've been making an extra effort. I've even been so determined that I squeezed myself into some outfits that might not fit the same way as they did before baby. LOL It works, though. When I feel good about myself, my confidence level rises and I can conquer the world! I am invincible! I am a MAMA! I am one HOTT Mama!! ;)
I saw Ryan Seacrest talking about this book called, "Got MILF- The Modern Mom's Guide to Feeling Fabulous, Looking Great, and Rocking a Minivan" by Sarah Maizes. I read reviews and it sounded right up my ally. So I ordered it off Amazon. It's very light hearted and humorous about the daily struggles of a mama and trying to balance life while still maintaining her individuality. It helps you find ways to be a hott mom without being a trashy. Click HERE to read the blog I read. It sure convinced me.
If you don't know what a MILF is then I'm not explaining it to you. This book takes that derogatory term and puts a spin on it! Even making it a compliment to be called one! The very idea that I would be called a MILF and found attractive BECAUSE I had a child and not DESPITE I had a child seemed preposterous to me! But that's exactly what it's about: finding your sexy, adjusting to the new you while not losing the old you, and feeling comfortable with who the new you is! I would highly recommend it to all my mommy friends!!
If you are like me, you are likely experiencing absolutely no sexiness. ZERO. Not even a single shred of sexy.
For the past year, I haven't felt the least bit attractive. I've hated my body and the changes pregnancy brought about. I didn't "embrace" my new body, as everyone else told me to… In fact, I became more self conscious as an adult than I ever was as a teen.
As a teen, I was extremely thin and petite. Almost too thin. If I became sick, I'd lose weight from not being able to eat and having an over-active metabolism. It took me 6 months to gain back 10 pounds I lost from being sick for a week once. I was 17 then. I had VERY clear skin. Never had more than 1 pimple at a time and those were occasional. White, naturally straight teeth. Nice, long, manageable, super curly hair (thanks to a phenomenal perm!).
As an adult, I developed pregnancy induced acne in my third trimester with my son. It didn't go away until he was 6 months old and has left horrible scars. My metabolism has slowed to almost non-existent. I can't shake the last 6 pounds of baby weight which have conveniently taken up residence in my belly so I now look like I have a tire around me. My hair, oddly enough, lost it's life after I had my baby. The hormones didn't effect me during pregnancy, as with most women. For me, they wreaked havoc on my hair's length, manageability, texture, and moisture level after I had him. My skin and hair are now oily where before they tended to be more on the dry side. And let's not talk about the effect of nursing your baby. -.-
As you can see, I've been quite self conscious of my body and appearance for the last year.
NO MOREEEEE!!
For the last month or so, I've made it my mission to "Bring My Sexy Back!" ;) I have been making an effort in doing my hair and dressing nicely for work. I used to do fun hairstyles and dress up everyday to work. I'm trying to get back into the swing of things now. My thinking is that if I put extra effort into my appearance then I will feel good about myself. Revelation to me, I know, and I'm sure it's not for most of you. I realized that doing a nice hairstyle didn't mean anything if I was still in bummy clothes. So, 2/3 of my work week, I've been making an extra effort. I've even been so determined that I squeezed myself into some outfits that might not fit the same way as they did before baby. LOL It works, though. When I feel good about myself, my confidence level rises and I can conquer the world! I am invincible! I am a MAMA! I am one HOTT Mama!! ;)
I saw Ryan Seacrest talking about this book called, "Got MILF- The Modern Mom's Guide to Feeling Fabulous, Looking Great, and Rocking a Minivan" by Sarah Maizes. I read reviews and it sounded right up my ally. So I ordered it off Amazon. It's very light hearted and humorous about the daily struggles of a mama and trying to balance life while still maintaining her individuality. It helps you find ways to be a hott mom without being a trashy. Click HERE to read the blog I read. It sure convinced me.
If you don't know what a MILF is then I'm not explaining it to you. This book takes that derogatory term and puts a spin on it! Even making it a compliment to be called one! The very idea that I would be called a MILF and found attractive BECAUSE I had a child and not DESPITE I had a child seemed preposterous to me! But that's exactly what it's about: finding your sexy, adjusting to the new you while not losing the old you, and feeling comfortable with who the new you is! I would highly recommend it to all my mommy friends!!
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Birthday Party from Hell
My little baby has turned a year old as of April 9th, 2011! Where the heck a year has gone! In some ways, I feel as if I've made tremendous strides and in others, I find myself lacking quite a bit. In the great spectrum of time, a year is a second. So I've got many more "seconds" to keep trying.
Below is a description of the days preceding his 1st Birthday Party. I'm sure all you mommies out there can empathize greatly with me!
1 month before the party: Better send out a guest list email invite thing since I know I won't have time to hand write cute little invitations. Result: my husband CHANGED my guest list (including people I didn't know and even people I had no desire to come!), changed the time frame, changed the format and wording, and made it a dumb video invite thing that was sent out to everyone 15 times so it looked like SPAM!
3 weeks before the party: I'd better talk to my friend about helping me make a fondant cake because I'm making everything else... I'll need the help and he'll most likely want to do a practice run... Result: we had a ton of fun making homemade fondant and playing with the fun food dye! NOTE: homemade fondant is very difficult to stir by hand and unless you have a KitchenAid Mixer, you'll break a handheld. But it is so worth the effort!
2 weeks before the party: I'd better think about the menu... Eh, I'm an excellent party planner, I can whip this thing up in a couple days- I really don't have time to sit down and plan a menu and take inventory of the kitchen right now.
1 week before the party: I still have no idea how many people to expect since most didn't RSVP like they should have. NOTE: if you are invited to something, make sure you RSVP even if you aren't sure you're coming or not otherwise you'll look like THAT person to the host/ess. You know, that person you have to HOUND to get a response... the person you wish you just didn't invite because getting an answer was like pulling teeth and they said they'd come and didn't show!!
2 days before the party: it is Thursday night and I receive some unsettling news regarding the guest list and proceed to scream at my husband over who he freaking invited and whether or not I even WANTED that person or people invited!! It was supposed to be about 15-20 max with our core group of friends and possibly some additional co-workers of his. I intended to have a smaller get together with our church friends the next day after service because we live in a friggin condo and don't have room for the 40, yes I said, 40 FREAKING people he invited!! And not everyone was on the guest list to come at the same time. But what does he care: he wasn't the one cleaning for it, cooking for it, hosting it, bagging up left overs, and cleaning up the mess! *Insert rolling eyes face here* I went to bed completely upset, stressed out, anxious, and didn't even sleep!
1 day before the party: It is early Friday morning and I blatantly tell my boss that it is a high anxiety day for me today because of the people I did not anticipate. She felt bad for me and tried reassuring me. I work about 12 hours a day for 3 days a week at a chiropractor's office. It was a LONG day and I swear you'd think I had the jitters the whole day if you saw me. It was awful and I probably gave myself an ulcer!
Friday night, I get out late and decided to go to the grocery store to buy all the ingredients I needed. It is 9pm and I decided Big Y has the best pizza so I'll have dinner before shopping. After enjoying a delicious slice of sausage pizza, I order the pizza for the party tomorrow and start my trek through the store. I don't get very far since I have to pee like a racehorse. I knew I should've just gone before I left work but I thought I could wait til I get home. WRONG. I'm about to pee my pants, there's stuff in the cart, I can't take it in with me, so I grab my wallet, and book it to the potty. I HATE USING PUBLIC RESTROOMS! I burst into the only open stall in the two stall restroom and look at the toilet. Ok, there isn't anything yucky in it but I'm still not putting my porcelain butt on that thing! There isn't a self to stick my wallet on so I gingerly lay it on the toilet paper roll dispenser. I yank down my skirt and undies and attempt to hover over the toilet without losing my balance OR peeing on myself. Accomplished one, not so much on the other. While I didn't fall over or pee on myself, I didn't manage to make it all in the toilet. Gross, I know. So I am being a cleanly patron by wiping up the toilet seat for the next person.As I go to get more, I must have pulled too enthusiastically because in slow motion, I see my wallet... my gorgeous Vera Bradley black, white, and green Baroque wallet slide off the toilet and dunk into the nasty piss filled toilet!!! In slow motion, I yell, "Noooooooooooooooo!!!" and lunge forward but the wallet is out of my grasp! And you hear, "Plooooooooooooooooop!" as something big and heavy fell very quickly into the pot. The old woman next to me must've thought I was giving birth to a bowling ball or something. I have no idea what to do!! My beautiful wallet is sitting in the nasty piss hole, the crapper, the john, the deuce catcher. Every vile and disgusting nickname for the toilet is running through my mind. I call my husband and he doesn't answer. So I call my friend Jason, he's the one helping me with the cake.
Me: "Jason, I called Anthony but he didn't answer and I don't know what to do. I'm ok, it's not an emergency or anything but it kinda is to me.You can laugh at me tomorrow but don't laugh at me today, ok? I don't know what to do."
I bawl my eyes out to him IN THE PUBLIC RESTROOM with the grandma in the stall next to me listening to every juicy detail and my beautiful defiled wallet still floating in the toilet amidst urine and toilet paper.
Jason is a go to person when you freak out and can't think clearly. He has made a point to think before he speaks and is very sensitive to a woman's ever present roller coaster of emotions. He calmly instructs me to get the wallet out of the toilet and get the toilet paper off it and to rinse it thoroughly. After following all his instructions, I'm still crying to him about the woes of the freaking guest list and he promised to come over early to help me and to be my buffer for the day. Thank God! Note: no ladies, he's not gay, he's straight as an arrow, good looking, well dressed, funny, financially stable, one of the smartest men I know, sensitive, and SINGLE! Too good to be true right? Well, those myths about men like that have to be based off someone, right??
While all this is happening, Grandma comes out and is washing her hands in the sink next to mine, all the while blatantly staring at me with her mouth slightly agape. IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HELP ME, THEN GET OUT!!!! That's what I was thinking. Of course, I'm still crying on the phone to Jason so I don't say any of this. Grandma leaves and in walks this young, hot, Miss Thang with her pretty strawberry blonde hair (which I'm SURE was fake!) and heels clicking. Jason asked me if I remembered to flush the toilet. I couldn't honestly remember. Maybe??? Horror struck me. Miss Thang just walked into the stall I used.... I wait... HA! I must have flushed but there must have been pee and toilet paper splatter everywhere still! TAKE THAT, Miss Thang! I really had no reason to wish an ill willed potty experience towards her but she's everything I'm not, at the moment: poised, well dressed, well put together, and well, let's face it: a young, hot thing. I got her good though... ;) *insert evil laugh here*
I dutifully put my sopping wet Vera Bradley wallet in a produce bag and finish checking out. Anthony calls me back as I'm mid-store. I tell him the whole sordid story and cry some more. Lucky for him, he doesn't respond right away. It's almost as if I can HEAR his brain thinking, "This is funny but do I laugh?? Probably not. She's crying right now and will kill me if I laugh at her drama... Ok, I'll play the comforting husband role instead and laugh at her tomorrow when she's not likely to hit me with something heavy that she purchased."
Intense stress reliever took over as the tears flowed. IN THE MIDDLE OF BIG Y... Great. I'm one of THOSE women. The ones that talk on the phone about their personal life in public and people around her can hear everything. And I'm an emotional one at that. Great. So I finish by saying I'd tell him when I'm home because Miss Thang walked passed my aisle. WHAT?! ARE YOU STALKING ME?!
I went to the bathroom so I could focus on what I was buying and stick to the budget... and I STILL went over budget. Screw this, hellooooo credit card! I was NOT about to go put anything back! Miss Thang ended up in my lane behind me a couple people, I mean, it IS after 10pm on a Friday night and they only have one lane open. Great, she probably thinks she can't get away from this nut job who bawls her eyes out in the public restroom! Of course, the cashier and rest of the people in line are looking at me weird because I have to dig a sopping wet wallet out of a produce bag and then have to PEEL the wet indistinguishable receipts off the credit card... Mortified.
And this was all preparing for the stupid party. This isn't even the story of how stressful it was preparing the day of and how I called Jason asking him to come even earlier. Oh boy.... thank God for good friends who put up with all your crap, LITERALLY! Pun fully intended.
Below is a description of the days preceding his 1st Birthday Party. I'm sure all you mommies out there can empathize greatly with me!
1 month before the party: Better send out a guest list email invite thing since I know I won't have time to hand write cute little invitations. Result: my husband CHANGED my guest list (including people I didn't know and even people I had no desire to come!), changed the time frame, changed the format and wording, and made it a dumb video invite thing that was sent out to everyone 15 times so it looked like SPAM!
3 weeks before the party: I'd better talk to my friend about helping me make a fondant cake because I'm making everything else... I'll need the help and he'll most likely want to do a practice run... Result: we had a ton of fun making homemade fondant and playing with the fun food dye! NOTE: homemade fondant is very difficult to stir by hand and unless you have a KitchenAid Mixer, you'll break a handheld. But it is so worth the effort!
2 weeks before the party: I'd better think about the menu... Eh, I'm an excellent party planner, I can whip this thing up in a couple days- I really don't have time to sit down and plan a menu and take inventory of the kitchen right now.
1 week before the party: I still have no idea how many people to expect since most didn't RSVP like they should have. NOTE: if you are invited to something, make sure you RSVP even if you aren't sure you're coming or not otherwise you'll look like THAT person to the host/ess. You know, that person you have to HOUND to get a response... the person you wish you just didn't invite because getting an answer was like pulling teeth and they said they'd come and didn't show!!
2 days before the party: it is Thursday night and I receive some unsettling news regarding the guest list and proceed to scream at my husband over who he freaking invited and whether or not I even WANTED that person or people invited!! It was supposed to be about 15-20 max with our core group of friends and possibly some additional co-workers of his. I intended to have a smaller get together with our church friends the next day after service because we live in a friggin condo and don't have room for the 40, yes I said, 40 FREAKING people he invited!! And not everyone was on the guest list to come at the same time. But what does he care: he wasn't the one cleaning for it, cooking for it, hosting it, bagging up left overs, and cleaning up the mess! *Insert rolling eyes face here* I went to bed completely upset, stressed out, anxious, and didn't even sleep!
1 day before the party: It is early Friday morning and I blatantly tell my boss that it is a high anxiety day for me today because of the people I did not anticipate. She felt bad for me and tried reassuring me. I work about 12 hours a day for 3 days a week at a chiropractor's office. It was a LONG day and I swear you'd think I had the jitters the whole day if you saw me. It was awful and I probably gave myself an ulcer!
Friday night, I get out late and decided to go to the grocery store to buy all the ingredients I needed. It is 9pm and I decided Big Y has the best pizza so I'll have dinner before shopping. After enjoying a delicious slice of sausage pizza, I order the pizza for the party tomorrow and start my trek through the store. I don't get very far since I have to pee like a racehorse. I knew I should've just gone before I left work but I thought I could wait til I get home. WRONG. I'm about to pee my pants, there's stuff in the cart, I can't take it in with me, so I grab my wallet, and book it to the potty. I HATE USING PUBLIC RESTROOMS! I burst into the only open stall in the two stall restroom and look at the toilet. Ok, there isn't anything yucky in it but I'm still not putting my porcelain butt on that thing! There isn't a self to stick my wallet on so I gingerly lay it on the toilet paper roll dispenser. I yank down my skirt and undies and attempt to hover over the toilet without losing my balance OR peeing on myself. Accomplished one, not so much on the other. While I didn't fall over or pee on myself, I didn't manage to make it all in the toilet. Gross, I know. So I am being a cleanly patron by wiping up the toilet seat for the next person.As I go to get more, I must have pulled too enthusiastically because in slow motion, I see my wallet... my gorgeous Vera Bradley black, white, and green Baroque wallet slide off the toilet and dunk into the nasty piss filled toilet!!! In slow motion, I yell, "Noooooooooooooooo!!!" and lunge forward but the wallet is out of my grasp! And you hear, "Plooooooooooooooooop!" as something big and heavy fell very quickly into the pot. The old woman next to me must've thought I was giving birth to a bowling ball or something. I have no idea what to do!! My beautiful wallet is sitting in the nasty piss hole, the crapper, the john, the deuce catcher. Every vile and disgusting nickname for the toilet is running through my mind. I call my husband and he doesn't answer. So I call my friend Jason, he's the one helping me with the cake.
Me: "Jason, I called Anthony but he didn't answer and I don't know what to do. I'm ok, it's not an emergency or anything but it kinda is to me.You can laugh at me tomorrow but don't laugh at me today, ok? I don't know what to do."
I bawl my eyes out to him IN THE PUBLIC RESTROOM with the grandma in the stall next to me listening to every juicy detail and my beautiful defiled wallet still floating in the toilet amidst urine and toilet paper.
Jason is a go to person when you freak out and can't think clearly. He has made a point to think before he speaks and is very sensitive to a woman's ever present roller coaster of emotions. He calmly instructs me to get the wallet out of the toilet and get the toilet paper off it and to rinse it thoroughly. After following all his instructions, I'm still crying to him about the woes of the freaking guest list and he promised to come over early to help me and to be my buffer for the day. Thank God! Note: no ladies, he's not gay, he's straight as an arrow, good looking, well dressed, funny, financially stable, one of the smartest men I know, sensitive, and SINGLE! Too good to be true right? Well, those myths about men like that have to be based off someone, right??
While all this is happening, Grandma comes out and is washing her hands in the sink next to mine, all the while blatantly staring at me with her mouth slightly agape. IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HELP ME, THEN GET OUT!!!! That's what I was thinking. Of course, I'm still crying on the phone to Jason so I don't say any of this. Grandma leaves and in walks this young, hot, Miss Thang with her pretty strawberry blonde hair (which I'm SURE was fake!) and heels clicking. Jason asked me if I remembered to flush the toilet. I couldn't honestly remember. Maybe??? Horror struck me. Miss Thang just walked into the stall I used.... I wait... HA! I must have flushed but there must have been pee and toilet paper splatter everywhere still! TAKE THAT, Miss Thang! I really had no reason to wish an ill willed potty experience towards her but she's everything I'm not, at the moment: poised, well dressed, well put together, and well, let's face it: a young, hot thing. I got her good though... ;) *insert evil laugh here*
I dutifully put my sopping wet Vera Bradley wallet in a produce bag and finish checking out. Anthony calls me back as I'm mid-store. I tell him the whole sordid story and cry some more. Lucky for him, he doesn't respond right away. It's almost as if I can HEAR his brain thinking, "This is funny but do I laugh?? Probably not. She's crying right now and will kill me if I laugh at her drama... Ok, I'll play the comforting husband role instead and laugh at her tomorrow when she's not likely to hit me with something heavy that she purchased."
Intense stress reliever took over as the tears flowed. IN THE MIDDLE OF BIG Y... Great. I'm one of THOSE women. The ones that talk on the phone about their personal life in public and people around her can hear everything. And I'm an emotional one at that. Great. So I finish by saying I'd tell him when I'm home because Miss Thang walked passed my aisle. WHAT?! ARE YOU STALKING ME?!
I went to the bathroom so I could focus on what I was buying and stick to the budget... and I STILL went over budget. Screw this, hellooooo credit card! I was NOT about to go put anything back! Miss Thang ended up in my lane behind me a couple people, I mean, it IS after 10pm on a Friday night and they only have one lane open. Great, she probably thinks she can't get away from this nut job who bawls her eyes out in the public restroom! Of course, the cashier and rest of the people in line are looking at me weird because I have to dig a sopping wet wallet out of a produce bag and then have to PEEL the wet indistinguishable receipts off the credit card... Mortified.
And this was all preparing for the stupid party. This isn't even the story of how stressful it was preparing the day of and how I called Jason asking him to come even earlier. Oh boy.... thank God for good friends who put up with all your crap, LITERALLY! Pun fully intended.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Same Ole Same Ole
It's been MONTHS since I've posted a blog. Isn't blogging supposed to be a daily, weekly, somewhat regular thing?? The answer is yes, it is. I'm not exactly sure what the timeline is supposed to be, I suppose it's different for each blogger.
I haven't blogged in quite some time because I had nothing to say that I wanted in print on the internet. Life was so difficult for me and the PPD wasn't getting any better. I had nothing but gripes, complaints, and misery. Nobody wants to read about rants on troubled marriages, family drama, the difficulties of being a working mom and still attempt to be a wife and my own person. Thus, I resisted the urge to blog. My Facebook statuses have not been so fortunate, at times. LOL
Nothing has changed. In fact, in certain aspects, things have either stayed the same or gotten worse.
While I have come to realize that PPD is not to be used as an excuse for a sucky attitude or procrastinating cleaning the house, I have noticed that even though my baby is going to be a year old next week, I still don't feel normal or the same. For example, whenever the baby gets very sick or has a health issue arise, I seem incapable of doing anything for the rest of the day. Not a single freaking thing. It's like I'm paralyzed emotionally which manifests itself in the physical form of me just vegging out on the couch. It's almost like I feel like it's my fault my kid got sick. Then I berate myself for everything from not feeding him healthy enough food (as if that's possible with all the organic food we eat!) to maybe his coat isn't warm enough (but how is that possible when he sweats soo much?!). Let me expound on the emotional paralysis. It's like I don't care. Something that would normally cause a reaction in you, didn't register with me. Kinda like shock, only lasting a little bit longer. A bizarre sense of an out of body experience, like I'm watching what's happening without realizing it's happening to me. It doesn't happen too often, thankfully, but when it does, it's awful.
I don't have any new insights into PPD. I am just as screwed up as I was. Perhaps this is the new norm and I just need to face the facts. All I know is that I can wallow in my pity or I can trudge on as much I don't want to or feel like it.
My days off, I'm calling my husband by noon begging him to come home. I think the fact that my son acts much more rambunctiously with me than with his father attributes to that. My weekends, I don't feel like taking care of the baby. Some women are meant to be stay at home moms. I am SOOO not one of them. I just told my boss, verbatim, "I just want to say thank you very much for employing me! I am sooo happy to be away from my baby right now!" LOL
One thing I have noticed is that planning some ME time helps me keep my clarity. Scheduling in time without my husband and my baby feels awkward but so needed. It does a world of good for my mind to go and get massage or mani/pedi. It's so important for a mother to be pampered!
I write and confess these things at the risk of sounding like a bad mother, as if I don't love my baby or feel resentful or bitter towards him. That isn't the case at all and I'm sure those that are mothers and spouses of women suffering from PPD would understand.
I haven't blogged in quite some time because I had nothing to say that I wanted in print on the internet. Life was so difficult for me and the PPD wasn't getting any better. I had nothing but gripes, complaints, and misery. Nobody wants to read about rants on troubled marriages, family drama, the difficulties of being a working mom and still attempt to be a wife and my own person. Thus, I resisted the urge to blog. My Facebook statuses have not been so fortunate, at times. LOL
Nothing has changed. In fact, in certain aspects, things have either stayed the same or gotten worse.
While I have come to realize that PPD is not to be used as an excuse for a sucky attitude or procrastinating cleaning the house, I have noticed that even though my baby is going to be a year old next week, I still don't feel normal or the same. For example, whenever the baby gets very sick or has a health issue arise, I seem incapable of doing anything for the rest of the day. Not a single freaking thing. It's like I'm paralyzed emotionally which manifests itself in the physical form of me just vegging out on the couch. It's almost like I feel like it's my fault my kid got sick. Then I berate myself for everything from not feeding him healthy enough food (as if that's possible with all the organic food we eat!) to maybe his coat isn't warm enough (but how is that possible when he sweats soo much?!). Let me expound on the emotional paralysis. It's like I don't care. Something that would normally cause a reaction in you, didn't register with me. Kinda like shock, only lasting a little bit longer. A bizarre sense of an out of body experience, like I'm watching what's happening without realizing it's happening to me. It doesn't happen too often, thankfully, but when it does, it's awful.
I don't have any new insights into PPD. I am just as screwed up as I was. Perhaps this is the new norm and I just need to face the facts. All I know is that I can wallow in my pity or I can trudge on as much I don't want to or feel like it.
My days off, I'm calling my husband by noon begging him to come home. I think the fact that my son acts much more rambunctiously with me than with his father attributes to that. My weekends, I don't feel like taking care of the baby. Some women are meant to be stay at home moms. I am SOOO not one of them. I just told my boss, verbatim, "I just want to say thank you very much for employing me! I am sooo happy to be away from my baby right now!" LOL
One thing I have noticed is that planning some ME time helps me keep my clarity. Scheduling in time without my husband and my baby feels awkward but so needed. It does a world of good for my mind to go and get massage or mani/pedi. It's so important for a mother to be pampered!
I write and confess these things at the risk of sounding like a bad mother, as if I don't love my baby or feel resentful or bitter towards him. That isn't the case at all and I'm sure those that are mothers and spouses of women suffering from PPD would understand.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
PPD- Anger
A big realization that hit me in the face at our last counseling session was that I DO NOT have the right to call my husband names, snarl and growl at him, and downright curse him out.
Now, I need to explain this further so that everyone who reads this doesn't jump to conclusions about me...
Now, I need to explain this further so that everyone who reads this doesn't jump to conclusions about me...
Some women are super emotional and crying and sad when they go through their Baby Blues or Postpartum Depression. Not me! I get very angry, very quickly! The best way to describe it is like a ticking time bomb or the way that you feel when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed… now multiply that feeling times 10 and that's me on a constant basis. And the counselor guessed correctly when she said, "And you direct all this anger and frustration at your husband." Yeah, I guess I do.
It's like I have 2 different personalties; like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. There's the me that feels normal, like I did before I had the baby. And then there's the PPD me that screams, snarls, growls, and overreacts to everything- even the small stuff!! The PPD me screams over dishes not being rinsed before they go into the dishwasher, wearing dirty shoes in my house, not using the placemats on my table, not separating the laundry, or rinsing poop stains out of the baby's clothes… stuff that would normally be annoying or that would make you mad- the PPD me gets OUTRAGED, INFURIATED!! And that's not who I am!
During those times when I'm foaming at the mouth, I usually end up calling him horrible names, saying mean and derogatory things, and scream to be left alone. Then I go off and stress clean. I know I'm doing it and can't stop myself. Almost like my mind is saying, "What are you doing?! You're screaming over nothing! STOP! STOP!" and yet I can't. This is what PPD is.
Now, it does not mean that every time I am angry, I'm overreacting and unfounded. It doesn't mean that when I'm normal I don't get angry. But I am speaking specifically of the PPD times when I'm so flaming pissed that I could start a fire with my gaze.
The counselor put it into perspective for me. She asked me if I'd ever speak to my friends or family that way. No, I wouldn't do that! She asked me if I would ever speak to my boss or co-workers that way. NEVER!! She looked at me with her head tilted in thought, brow furrowed, and said quizzically, "Then why do you speak to your husband that way?!" Honestly, I don't know. He's there and an outlet, I guess.
In no uncertain terms, she let me know I DO NOT have the right to speak to ANYONE that way, especially my husband. She said that people often times speak to and treat their spouses in ways that are much less respectful than if they were speaking/treating their friends, family, and co-workers. She said that it may be because we feel more comfortable with our spouse so we feel we can "let em have it" so to speak.
In no uncertain terms, she let me know I DO NOT have the right to speak to ANYONE that way, especially my husband. She said that people often times speak to and treat their spouses in ways that are much less respectful than if they were speaking/treating their friends, family, and co-workers. She said that it may be because we feel more comfortable with our spouse so we feel we can "let em have it" so to speak.
The counselor said it best, "If you talk to your spouse the way you would speak to someone else, there will be alot less negativity coming out of your mouth." And I have to say, I agree! And I'm working towards speaking kindly!
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