Perspective

When I'm at work, I'm ok. I feel more like myself than ever. My thoughts and emotions are clear. I'm not in a fog. I'm just ME. Most days, I feel really good at work. I don't feel like I'm wearing my thoughts and emotions on my face and "sleeve" so to speak. 

But when I am at home is when I'm at my worst. Sometimes the depression is so deep and dark. It follows me around like a cloud. Nothing can shake it. Not a shower. Not cleaning or baking. Not even my little baby's 14 month old antics. I noticed that when I have my friends over, I throw myself into the cleaning and cooking/baking. I tend to make extravagant meals and desserts for them so that I have something to concentrate on. When I don't have anything to concentrate on, the emptiness inside me grows stronger. The deep, dark, emptiness surrounds me. Sometimes it's different but the emotions that go with it are anger escalating to rage or numbness, joyless, purposeless. I end up walking around feeling like an empty shell of a person. It's not a pretty site to be around me when I feel like that. It's very hard for me to see passed myself and my feelings (or lack thereof) when I feel like that. 

It takes extreme effort for me to push passed that depression but I'm trying. 

Here is where I find my perspective.

Cherisse DesJardins Lipps. 

I know her from years of church camps and various other functions. Growing up, she was always considered the popular girl. I don't know if she knows that or thinks so but it's true. Everyone always loved her, myself included. I think it's because Cherisse never cared what's cool or in style or the "IT" thing to do or say; she always did what she liked regardless of what everyone else thought. That always made her stand out from the crowd of culture driven, peer pressured, pre-pubescent teens. She's even beautiful and has a beautiful voice! I personally loved it when she would sing specials with her brothers. When the DesJardins would get up there, your ears were in for a treat! 

Fast forward to adulthood and Cherisse got married to a man perfect for her in every way! She's graduated from college and teaching in a classroom. And then she gets diagnosed with a brain tumor. I, like everyone else, was shocked!! But she's so young! She's so beautiful! She's so popular and loved! Ladies and gentlemen, sickness and diseases are no respecter of persons. Sickness and diseases do not discriminate. Poor Cherisse has had over 2 brain tumor surgeries, more than a year trying to recover, daily seizures and medications  chemotherapy, radiation, she's been taken out of work, can't drive her own car, shaved her head, and has had to adjust to the changes in her everyday life that this has brought upon her. She has to learn a new "normal." And I'm positive that most days, it must suck.

If Cherisse can find the courage and strength to muster up a smile after all her treatments and being sick for so long, then I most certainly can snap out of my depression bubble and somehow grow some gonads and make it through my day.

Alice Pyne. 

I don't know her personally but have started reading her blog. She is a 15 year old girl diagnosed with terminally ill cancer. She says she wanted to create a bucket list and blog about it since she isn't winning her fight. 

How horrible to realize at 15 that your life will be cut shorter than you'd like. At 15, I was flirting with boys and worrying about my homework and test scores. I can't even imagine what her family and she must be going through right now. 

SNAP. OUT. OF. IT. CRISTINE.

I may be having a tough time but I'm physically fit and healthy. My family is physically fit and healthy. My husband and I both have good paying jobs in this terrible economy. While we have debt up the wahoo (thanks to his student loans and paying for our wedding all by ourselves), we are living in a beautiful gated condo community, have 2 cars that are in good and great condition, a home where we have what we need (ok so the bridal registry didn't completely render what we need to fully furnish our home but we make do), our 14 month old son is happy, healthy, and starting to walk and eat solid table foods, our Silky Terrier is annoying but lovable. All in all, I have no room to complain when clearly, others around me are going through a much harder time. 

It's quite selfish if you think about it. If you have your head so wrapped around your own problems and shoved sooo far up your you KNOW what that you can't see the struggles others around you are facing, you have missed your opportunity for healing through helping. Helping someone else during their own time of need (and momentarily putting yours on the back burner) will help to heal and strengthen you emotionally and in turn, you'll be better equipped to tackle your own difficulties! A new perspective and fresh outlook are the undoing for trials and tribulations! You'll get a great self esteem boost! You'll feel good about yourself, that in some small way you are making a difference! And maybe, just maybe, someone will come along and be your help through your struggle! 

Click HERE if you're interested in seeing the Facebook page set up for fundraising to help Cherisse with the growing medical expenses. I personally purchased the tote bags and I LOVE them! They have a zipper so my groceries don't fall out when I'm driving. :) 

Click HERE to read Alice's blog. She currently is not looking for donations but just readers to share her experience with. I believe she'd like to touch as many lives as she can, while she can.

Defining Moment In My Parenting

A couple weeks ago, my husband had to travel for a business trip. Being an IT professional for an insurance company, it's pretty rare that he has to travel. It was a voluntary IT conference that he researched and got permission to attend. All in all, sure it was a pretty sweet deal for him... not for me. It was great personal knowledge and growth as a techy geeky person, great professional growth as an IT professional, not great as a husband and father.

The reason I say that is because I work and don't "stay home" with our little 13 month old. I work Monday, Wednesday, Friday usually about 11-12 hour days. While I'm working, our son goes to daycare. So I'm thinking, Oh My Gosh, what am I going to do!

Besides freaking out about being by myself with Lorenzo and having absolutely no help or relief, I was freaking out due to the daycare's hours. Their hours are shorter than mine so getting my kid to and from there was going to be tricky.

Thankfully, we have an awesome set of friends in our Tuesday Night Dinner crew who picked him up for me and I just had to go to their house to get him. Phewww... what a load of my mind, let me tell you! Matt and Amanda are amazing! They even have a little boy a little older than Lorenzo so they got to play together. Lorenzo went home with them, ate his dinner, got a bath, changed into jammies, and played until I got there. All Mama had to do was literally pick him up out of the car seat and put him into his crib, thank God! So my worries about the picking him up thing were all put to ease. But that didn't solve dropping him off...

It takes me about 20 minutes to get to work from where I live. But if I leave at the wrong time, it could take me as long as an hour to drive the 5 miles to the highway on-ramp! So dropping Lorenzo off to daycare adds an extra 20 minutes to my commute. And that's not even factoring in any chit chat time with the director. I had to think this through... What was my game plan going to be?? After much thought, this is what I came up with.

5:00am- Alarm is going off
5:30am- Roll out of bed to shower
5:45am- Get ready for work
6:00am- Pack my lunch
6:15am- Gather work bag, lunch bag, diaper bag, daycare bag of stuff needed, and walk them to the care while I walk the dog
6:30am- Feed the dog, drink a glass of juice, change the baby
6:40am- Put the dog in the crate and leave

Before you even begin to wonder, yes, I most certainly DID stick to that rigid timeline and I wasn't late. And this doesn't even factor in all the prep work I did the night before to make sure everything was ready. I had to gather everything the daycare needed like wipes, diapers, clothes, etc, make the bottles, make my lunch, gather my stuff, etc. Doing all that made it so much easier to just grab everything I needed in the morning.

Well, I made it to the daycare by 6:55am, knowing I have to be on my way no later than 7:10am so I can still have time to get my usual morning Mocha Frappé from McDonalds, all the while wondering if they'll even let me drop him off 5 minutes before they technically open.

I pull up and see all the lights off. (What the heck, aren't they open at 7am?? They better be open at 7am! I have to be at work by 7:45am! I get Lorenzo, his stuff, and walk up to the doors. Definitely locked with lights off. Crap. What am I going to do?!)

As I turn around, someone drives up. A girl that I don't know and have never met comes up to me saying someone got stuck in traffic and something about a fire. Huh, what? I'm not listening because I'm too busy staring at your blonde and red hair mixture. She reaches for Lorenzo saying she'd take him and telling me to go because I'll be late. (I don't know you and you're taking my kid out of my arms... Yes, I WILL be late if I stay until someone I know shows up but still... I don't know you!!) I don't take Lorenzo to daycare usually either. (Maybe she's been working here and Anthony never told me. I don't want to say anything, I mean, it's pretty common knowledge that what gets said to Anthony doesn't make it to my ears... What do I do?!)

I'm having an internal battle. 

I tell her he hasn't eaten yet but has had a diaper change. She assures me the director is on her way, there was a fire on her street so she got caught in some traffic (Ohhh so THAT's what you were saying...), she repeats that I'm going to be late and that they will be fine.

As I drive away, I call Anthony and leave him a very indecisive voicemail about the occurrence. I make it to work feeling even more unsettled. I glance down at my dashboard and it's 48 degrees outside. I left my child with a stranger (to me), only wearing jeans and a long sleeve onesie with a blanket wrapped around him, without having been fed for the morning.

OH. MY. GOD. If Anthony had done that, I would have been REALLY upset with him. THAT is when I realized I made the wrong decision. I should have just stayed until someone I knew showed up. But I didn't want to be that parent that acted like I didn't trust them. I didn't want to be that parent all the workers roll their eyes at. I didn't want to be late to work.

I made it to work with my Frappé in hand, still feeling all out of sorts, had a ton of messages from the middle of the night, patients showed up before our office was even technically open. I was very busy and was absorbed in my own thoughts. Before I knew it, I had a very upset director on the phone with me, apologizing profusely, and nearly in tears. Lorenzo is her favorite baby in daycare. She was as upset as if it were her own son. I wasn't mad at her and completely understood the circumstances. I was mad at myself for doing something I wasn't comfortable with. I was angry that I succumbed to what was "socially acceptable" and what I thought was the "normal thing other parents do." Ladies and gentlemen, Mother Of The Year Award, right there! I felt as if I took 3 steps backward with my Postpartum Depression.

At the end of the day, I learned to go with my gut instinct. If I'm not comfortable with something concerning my child, I shouldn't and won't do it! It doesn't matter what other people think as long as I'm secure in the decisions I've made and my parenting choices! I have to own up to every decision I make, I want to be sure that I don't regret them and if that means being late to work and forgoing my Mocha Frappé to ensure my child's safety so be it. 

For Lorenzo

Even though I use Facebook and this blog as an outlet, I do not post some of the deepest darkest feelings I have. It's eating me up inside to not voice them. I thought if I could just write them down, I'd feel better. But I didn't want my innermost thoughts and feelings to be on some old legal pad.... and that's when my mind started brainstorming...

I went to Papyrus in the mall today. I looked over each and every journal they had. And I finally picked a very pretty glittery one with a beautifully colored hummingbird on it. I bought the journal ($20 for a friggen journal, are you kidding me?!) and some scented pens. (I have a MAJOR pen fetish!! I collect any and all pens. I've been known to take them from doctors offices and even from my family and friends.) These pens were scented on the outside. One was strawberry and the other bubblegum. They smell exactly like Bubbalicious Bubble Gum and make me crave a piece! :)

I walked to a seating area and I took out the strawberry pen and the journal. I stared at the beautiful cover and turned the pages. After a minute or so, I wrote in the front cover, "For my son Lorenzo. May you read this and find insight into your crazy, fun loving, emotional mother! I Love You With All My Heart! <3 Mama."

It took me a while to write down what I was thinking and feeling at that moment in time. I was extremely hurt and angry. Still am. It took everything in me not to let tears come to my eyes in public. I wrote about the stressful events that took place the past 2 days, vindictive words spoken, hurtful actions. I wrote how it all effected me with my PPD. I reassured my son that he did not cause me this PPD and that it is not a result of having him. I proudly proclaimed my love for my son and that he is the very best thing to have happened in my life!

I imagined in my mind, Lorenzo in his mid-twenties (like myself) reading this and finally understanding his crazy mother. I wrote that perhaps we can look at this 20 years from now and say look at what we've overcome. Perhaps we'll look at some entries and say look at that, knowing whatever it was got the best of us. I just want to be able to have something to look back at.

I'm keeping this secret from my husband. I don't want him to read it. It's personal. Something for my son and myself. He'd probably be mad at what I'm writing, never wanting to disclose all that info to our son. But I think he should know. I want him to know. It will help him understand us and our dynamic and relationship. He should know. He needs to know.

PPD- Anger

A big realization that hit me in the face at our last counseling session was that I DO NOT have the right to call my husband names, snarl and growl at him, and downright curse him out.

Now, I need to explain this further so that everyone who reads this doesn't jump to conclusions about me...

Some women are super emotional and crying and sad when they go through their Baby Blues or Postpartum Depression. Not me! I get very angry, very quickly! The best way to describe it is like a ticking time bomb or the way that you feel when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed… now multiply that feeling times 10 and that's me on a constant basis. And the counselor guessed correctly when she said, "And you direct all this anger and frustration at your husband." Yeah, I guess I do. 

It's like I have 2 different personalties; like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. There's the me that feels normal, like I did before I had the baby. And then there's the PPD me that screams, snarls, growls, and overreacts to everything- even the small stuff!! The PPD me screams over dishes not being rinsed before they go into the dishwasher, wearing dirty shoes in my house, not using the placemats on my table, not separating the laundry, or rinsing poop stains out of the baby's clothes… stuff that would normally be annoying or that would make you mad- the PPD me gets OUTRAGED, INFURIATED!! And that's not who I am! 

During those times when I'm foaming at the mouth, I usually end up calling him horrible names, saying mean and derogatory things, and scream to be left alone. Then I go off and stress clean. I know I'm doing it and can't stop myself. Almost like my mind is saying, "What are you doing?! You're screaming over nothing! STOP! STOP!" and yet I can't. This is what PPD is. 

Now, it does not mean that every time I am angry, I'm overreacting and unfounded. It doesn't mean that when I'm normal I don't get angry. But I am speaking specifically of the PPD times when I'm so flaming pissed that I could start a fire with my gaze.

The counselor put it into perspective for me. She asked me if I'd ever speak to my friends or family that way. No, I wouldn't do that! She asked me if I would ever speak to my boss or co-workers that way. NEVER!! She looked at me with her head tilted in thought, brow furrowed, and said quizzically, "Then why do you speak to your husband that way?!" Honestly, I don't know. He's there and an outlet, I guess.

In no uncertain terms, she let me know I DO NOT have the right to speak to ANYONE that way, especially my husband. She said that people often times speak to and treat their spouses in ways that are much less respectful than if they were speaking/treating their friends, family, and co-workers. She said that it may be because we feel more comfortable with our spouse so we feel we can "let em have it" so to speak. 

The counselor said it best, "If you talk to your spouse the way you would speak to someone else, there will be alot less negativity coming out of your mouth." And I have to say, I agree! And I'm working towards speaking kindly!