It never ceases to amaze me that I had a baby 15 months ago and I still can't hold it when I have to go to the bathroom! You'd think I was still pregnant or something! -.- Last Sunday was a prime example.
Prelude:
My little Lorenzo has been refusing sleep. He won't go to sleep until 9-11pm and wakes up screaming (like he's had a nightmare) between 3-5am. This particular early Sunday morning was no different. He screamed from 3-5am and didn't fall asleep until about 5:30am. Our alarm was going off by 8am for church. We had one service at 10am due to our Friend Day Picnic. We were still late because I refused to get out of bed. Hey, I was the only one who dealt with him that morning! I deserved to get some sleep, too! Needless to say, my husband dragged me out of bed, threatening to embarrass me to everyone at church. We made it to church, albeit 20 minutes late.
After church on Sunday, we went to the church picnic. I was starving and had to do the juggling act of taking turns eating and watching Lorenzo. It's no fun taking him anywhere anymore. NOT. A. SINGLE. SHRED. OF. FUN. Just sayin'.
When it was my turn to eat, I stuffed myself full of a hot dog, numerous amounts of chips and taco dip, salad, potato salad, and pasta salad. It's funny to see how people make the same dishes WAY differently. I was so full, I couldn't even eat any cookies or cupcakes.
It was a stressful few hours of attempting to keep my kid from crawling on concrete, eating sticks and dirt, and watching him teeter precariously on the verge of smashing his 6 teeth on the ground! This is all while my husband is off playing baseball, basketball, and tennis, of course. -.- When I finally got a hold of my husband, we attempted to leave early to catch the end of an Old Car Show. Love me some vintage cars. Oh the nostalgia! I swear, I'm born in the wrong era. Most of the cars had left because there was only about a half hour left of the show and Lorenzo had just fallen asleep. It wasn't worth the risk of waking him up and dealing with his crabby patty butt afterwards so we left.
On the way home, I decided to make my weekly stop at my favorite consignment shop. It's this quaint little cottage in the middle of a busy shopping and business area. Anthony decided to wait in the car while little Prince Whines A-Lot slept.
I made my way in and saw the owner for the first time, a pretty young woman just a few years older than myself. Normally on Sundays, I see her boyfriend working there. I say hi and chat a minute or two with her and then ask about the Superyard XT extensions gates out front. Once I haggle a lower price, I tell her I want it and will proceed with my browsing. She's very agreeable and right as she's nodding her agreement, I feel IT. That horrible, lowering sensation when you feel all the contents of your stomach drop right into your bowel. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I had to poop and I just walked into the store.
I calmly walk to the dresses and whip them from one of the rack to the other as I keep telling myself, "I can hold it, I can hold it, I can hold it." I really couldn't and I think my movements were becoming jerky as a result.
I walk to the other side of the little cottage to the skirt and tops and find about 8 different items I like. I have to try them on because I don't want to buy them and find they don't fit. I walk over to her to ask for the fitting room to be opened and I assume "The Stance." You know, legs together, feet in a V, butt cheeks clenched as tight as possible. The fitting room isn't an actual room. It's the curtains drawn kind. Once I get the curtains closed, I pray she's gone, and rip my clothes off to try these clothes on as fast as possible. There's no bathroom in this place! If there was, I couldn't use it because I'd stink it right up and she'd know it was me! This consignment shop sells high end designer brands like Burberry, Dolce and Gabbana, and Louis Vuitton! I can't poop in this place! It's bad enough I'm polluting the air!!
By this time, I've got the raunchy farts because I'm so close to going! I'm praying she doesn't come anywhere near the fitting rooms! The sulphuric fumes were enough to singe your eyebrows! I barely get a skirt and a top on and rip them off, throwing on my clothes. I barely made it out with my fly zipped!
I awkwardly walk to the checkout desk and tell her, "I'm so sorry, I had to leave my stuff in the fitting room. My phone is buzzing off the hook, I think my husband wants to go because the baby is fussing." I'm praying to God she doesn't notice that I've broken out in cold sweats! I tell her, "I'm gonna have to come back another time because I really liked those items and would like to try them on. I'll get this skirt and top but I'll have to leave the gate extensions for another time, as well." She looks oh so surprised and says she needs to come out to the car with me because she already had Anthony load it into the car!
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
I pay and follow her out to the car, waddling quite awkwardly behind her. Anthony is looking up from the car, giving me the strangest expression. I tell him to give the gate back, that I'd get it another time, and he says, "Why?" FOR GOODNESS SAKE! Don't question me NOW! Just go with whatever I say!! By now, Pretty Consignment Owner is looking back and forth between us because she knew something was up. "Anthony, I'll just come back another time. I thought you didn't want the gate and you said Lorenzo was fussing." We all look at Lorenzo who is sitting calmly in his seat, sucking his 2 fingers, and he chooses that exact moment to smile at us. COME ON, KID NOW IS THE TIME TO MAKE SOME NOISE!! Anthony gives the gate back and looks just as confused as Pretty Consignment Owner.
Once she walked back, I jump into the car and start shouting, "TAKE ME TO WAL-MART NOW!! GO, GO, GO!! I'VE GOTTA GO!!!!!" Anthony is so confused, "What? Are you ok?" I'm clutching the door, cold sweats all over my face, turning a little pale, "JUST GO!! I'VE GOT TO POOP!! HURRY!! I'M GONNA POOP MY PANTS!!!" Leaving the cottage house, we had to cross 4 lanes to go to
Wal-Mart and Anthony's waiting for a break in traffic. I'm yelling, "GO, GO, GO! YOU CAN MAKE IT!! JUST CUT ACROSS IN FRONT OF THESE PEOPLE!!! HURRY UP!! IT'S COMING, IT'S COMING!! "
We finally get into the parking lot and Anthony is giving me directions to the bathroom because this Wal-Mart doesn't have the bathrooms right when you walk in. I'm shouting for him to drop me off at the door and then shouting "THIS ISN'T CLOSE ENOUGH!!" All the while Anthony says, "Jeez, you stink."
Once I get to the door, I run out of the car and into the store, weaving in and out of people and their carts, all the while praying to God that the stall would be clean! I bust into the bathroom, seeing I'm the only one in there, and race to a stall, unzipping all the way. I barely had time to rip my skirt down and throw myself onto the seat. Thank God, I made it!! Right before a ton of women walked in, too.
I wash my hands and calmly leave the store. Once in the car, Anthony kept asking if I was alright. He thought I was sick with a stomach bug or something. Very non-chalantly, "No, I just had to poop." He looks at me incredulously, "What?! That's IT??!! I thought you were dying or something! Well, do you want to go back to the consignment shop then?" "NOOOOOOOO!! She'll definitely think I'm weird then! And I'm not telling her I had to leave to poop!!"
